Unmotivated

That sums it up for me today. Completely unmotivated to do anything constructive. Why? Who knows? I thought that after being off work on Thursday and Friday that I would be playing catch-up today. But, no such luck. There is still very little to do here today and what there is to do, I don’t feel like doing. I blame it on the depression. I just feel like I can’t do anything right. How strange is that? I am a very hard worker and I take a lot of pride in a job well done. But, I can’t seem to get motivated to do anything… much less do anything well. The only thing I am proud of lately is my writing. I write more than people know because I don’t post everything I write. I just write to have written it… or if it is too personal to post, I sometimes send it to Jason. I want to still feel connected, for some strange reason. Most often he doesn’t reply… or at least doesn’t comment on the things I hope most for him to comment on. But I think overall, it helps me to get it out and to “tell” him the things I feel I need to tell. I hate not sharing my life with him. Not knowing how he is or what he is doing…and knowing that he doesn’t know what I am doing. It’s very sad. From the day we got back together until the day we broke up, we only spent two days apart and that was because he went to a theater competition in Jacksonville. We wanted to be together. Always. He made me happy and I made him happy. It was a perfect world to me. I miss him more than words can describe. Can’t I just press rewind and go back to when we were both happy?

I guess I need for him to constantly remind me that he is happier now than he was with me. I need him to tell me that he loves this girl and that he knows in his heart that he made the right decision by leaving me. That should motivate me to give up and move on, right? I guess the real problem is that I don’t want to give up. I do want to feel better and to be ok. But, I don't want to give up my faith. I have such strong faith in the bond between Jason and I. It’s something I have never felt before. The ties between us can be strained but not broken. They will never be broken. Not by anyone. So I can’t help but feel like I am just waiting. When we broke up the first time, there was another girl. It didn’t take him long to figure out that he didn’t really want her… he just wanted something new. It took four months but he found his way home. I know he can do it again. I have faith in him. I have faith in our love for each other. The right thing will prevail. But in the meantime, I will get stronger. I will be a bigger and better person. I will be ready when it happens. Ready to face the demons and to accept what has happened between us so that we can move forward together. We can get through this. I am certain. Time will tell him. He will see. He just has to open his eyes and his heart and he will see again. And I will be here when he does. I still love you, Jason.