I am afraid that I am torturing myself. That this is my way to get back at me for not being good enough. For not being able to hold on tight enough or to make him happy enough? I don’t “feel” like I blame myself for this but maybe inside I do? I think of all the little things that I said and did in the weeks before we broke up and wonder if they would change things. I insulted the dinner he cooked the week before and it really seemed to hurt his feelings. I didn’t mean to. I wish we had gone to the beach that weekend when we didn’t close on the house. Maybe we would have rekindled things and it wouldn’t have been so easy for someone to steal him away. And I yelled at him a few weeks before… because he wouldn’t return the video that he rented on my account and it was going to be late. I even said, “God forbid I ask you to do something for me, for once” and I slammed the door. I didn’t mean that. He did things for me all the time. I did apologize to him later and told him I didn’t mean it, but maybe it was too late? And we never fought about things. We never yelled at each other. I can only remember one two arguments that we had over the past year. I was always happy and there was nothing to fight about. We were both really happy. I miss that.
I miss waking up and seeing his face. I miss hearing him tell me goodbye and to have a good day at work. I miss his late night showers and him crawling into bed and putting his wet head on me. I miss what he called “snugglebutt.” I miss his arms around me at night. I miss hearing him snore, even when it kept me awake. I miss him stealing the covers in the middle of the night. I miss hearing him whisper “I love you and sweet dreams, my baby” just before we drifted off to sleep. I just miss hearing him call me his beautiful baby. No one had ever called me beautiful before him. I miss his eyes looking into mine: they are so deep and hold so much meaning. I miss his hands, and how he guided me places with his hand on the small of my back. I miss how he loved my curly hair. I haven’t worn it curly since we split up. I can’t. I miss his smile, the real ones. I miss the sound of his laugh, the genuine ones. I miss running my fingers through his hair, especially when it was a little too long. I miss dreaming up plans together and talking about the things we were going to do someday. I miss our dog… Loki is such a good boy. I will always be Loki’s Mama. I miss the beach… and I don’t think I can go without him. Too many memories there. I miss cooking together. I miss grocery shopping together. I miss afternoon drives with nowhere in particular to go. I miss working on the bonsais together. I hope they are doing well. I miss the afternoon calls and text messages just to ask if I was having a good day and to tell me that he loved me. I miss his family. They really made me feel like I was part of the family. I miss snuggling on the couch watching late night movies when we both had to be up early in the morning. I miss Twilight Zone episodes and how I could never stay awake long enough. I miss him making a martini for me without my even asking. He always knew when I needed one. I miss knowing that he cares. I just miss him. His companionship. My best friend.
Breathe. Just breathe and it will all be okay soon. That’s what he used to tell me. That’s all I can do. Breathe.
No comments:
Post a Comment