Big Step

I know this is going to sound silly, but last night was a big step forward for me. I went to Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart is difficult for me for more than one reason. I have crowd anxiety and lots of screaming children and crowded aisles tend to trigger pretty severe anxiety attacks in which I can’t breathe and feel like I am having a heart attack. Reason number 2: Wal-Mart is a family place and it is full of couples shopping together which is tough for me to deal with right now. Lame, I know, but it is something that really affects me.

But yesterday, John called when he got home from work and said he was going grocery shopping if I wanted to go with him. He picked me up and we headed to Wal-Mart in Wetumpka which is much much less crowded than the one on Atlanta Highway where I used to go. Now, keep in mind… this is the very first grocery shopping trip that I have made since I have moved into my new house. I haven’t been eating very much lately with the gall bladder problem, so grocery shopping has been unnecessary thus far. I can’t even begin to explain how strange of a feeling it was to walk up and down the aisles just looking for things that my stomach can handle and things that only I might want to eat. I have grown so accustomed to thinking “What does Jason like and how much food can I afford to buy and still be able to get beer and cigarettes for Jason?” It was actually kind of scary to just think for myself… to only consider what I need. Of course, as usual… I forgot the only thing that I really did need to buy… dog food for my baby girl. But it was nice to make it through the shopping trip without having an attack… I think it helped that I knew John was there, just in case I did. I don’t think he knows about my anxiety attacks and I probably would have scared him to death if I had one… but I knew I would be okay just because I wasn’t there alone. I really appreciate him asking me to go with him. The everyday things seem to be the hardest to do alone.

So, we got back home and John helped me carry the groceries in. He left to get his own frozen food in the freezer but asked me to come over and watch a scary movie that I have been wanting to see. I, of course, agreed and put my groceries away so that I could head over to his house. But, then I remember… my dog was home. She is still not used to the new house and I had already left her alone for a long time to go to the grocery store. She was so excited to see me when I got home that I just couldn’t bear to leave her. Is that sad or what? So, I called John and told him that we’d have to do it another night because I couldn’t leave my doggy alone for that long at night. I guess I could have brought her with me but I didn’t want to be rude and ask to do that. I know it’s silly, but Pookie and I have been through a lot together and sometimes I think that she is the only one that loves me unconditionally. She is always happy to see me when I come home and follows me around like a shadow. I love her to death and I guess that makes it okay to stay at home with her when I really wanted to go watch the movie. But, instead, I stayed home, watched a little bit of tv and then went to bed early. And that was probably for the best considering how sick I am this morning. Less sleep would have only made me feel worse today.

And speaking of feeling worse, I am getting more and more nervous about the surgery. I realized yesterday that someone I was counting on to keep me company in the evening is not going to be around the week of my surgery. John has some sort of conference in Kentucky and will be gone for the whole week. But I did buy myself a present yesterday to help keep me entertained that week. Season one and season two of Quantum Leap are on the way to my house. I have always loved the show and have wanted to buy the DVD’s for some time now, but always came up with some excuse not to. Now, I just need to get a DVD player for my bedroom so I can watch them in bed all week. I hear that stairs are not going to be my friend for a while so I may be spending a lot of time in the bed. I’ll have to get a good cooler or a mini fridge too so I can have cold drinks without having to go down to the kitchen. Or maybe I should just hire a maid for the week, lol. We’ll just see how it goes. I still have 2 weeks from today to figure it all out.