Getting Stronger

I cry less. I laugh more. Each day I am getting a little better. Good friends and their company have been my salvation. But I am reaching the point where I don’t mind being alone. I enjoy the comfort of my house. If I am alone, I can get in bed early and read until I fall asleep. I can watch whatever I want on television. It is actually kind of refreshing.

I am really searching myself. I have been part of a pair for so long that I am not sure who I am by myself. I haven’t found it yet, but I am sure I will know when I do. I am in here somewhere… begging to come out. I will be me again. A stronger me, for all that I have been through and learned to accept. I know that I don’t need anyone else to be happy. I never NEEDED… I just loved to the point that I never wanted to be without him. Don’t get me wrong, I still love him and I still don’t WANT to be without him. But I have come to accept the fact that if I have to, I can. I am stronger than I thought and I can make it on my own.

I have also learned that I am not the spender I thought I was. I wasn’t spending most of my money on myself, but on others. Beer, cigarettes, wine… all have been major expenses in the past and all of which I do not use myself. Cutting out these things along with expensive dinners have helped me save a lot of money. I was really afraid that I wouldn’t be able to afford this house and all the bills alone. No, I haven’t made the first house payment yet, but I know that I have saved enough money to not start off in the hole. That’s certainly a reassuring feeling.

And the house is looking incredible. I had great friends over for dinner… pizza: my favorite. The new furniture makes the house so cozy, more finished… and more mine. I absolutely love it. I debated over whether to still buy the furniture that Jason and I picked out together for fear that it would constantly remind me of him. But, I am so glad that I decided not to let that keep me from buying something that I really want. After everyone left, it was so nice to lay on my couch in my own living room and enjoy the lightning that was flashing through all the windows in the house. A beautiful night.

I do miss Jason. I do still love him and know that I always will. But I have finally decided to fully put my faith in God… and those of you who know me, know that is something I find hard to do. I have faith that God has a plan for both of us and that plan may or may not include us being a part of each others lives any more. I have faith in my love for him and I have faith in the love that he once had for me. I know that we were meant to be together for the time that we were. I know that this has happened for a reason and that Jason made the best decision for both of us… at least for now. And that’s what I have to live by. That is for the best for now. Maybe tomorrow or next week that will change. Maybe it will not. But I have faith in that if our love is strong enough and we are truly meant to be… it will happen and we can’t control that. Jason recently told me that the heart is not something to be reckoned with or understood, but it is something that you must follow. I know he is right. He will follow his heart and I will follow mine, and maybe one day the paths of our hearts will join again someday. Until then, I will be happy. I will be strong. And I will continue to have faith. Faith in that the right thing will happen at the right time.