One Day at a Time...

Time seems to crawl by so slowly these days. I try to fill my day with activity to keep my mind occupied. My newest project is the guest room. It was supposed to be Jason's office. Now, every time I pass the doorway I think "Jason's office will always be empty." So, my goal is to decorate is nicely and furnish it with my things to make is no longer feel "empty" and missing something.

I also bought some pictures for my living and dining room last night that I have wanted for YEARS. They were on clearance and I jumped at the opportunity to make the house feel a little more like MINE than ours... I am really trying to do things differently than Jason and I planned so that it's not a constant reminder. I am even sleeping on "his" side of the bed so his spot doesn't feel empty. I hope I am headed in the right direction. Everyday I go without talking to him or seeing him, the more and more I let go. I guess that's the only road to recovery... letting go. And I know I must... as hard as it may seem.

I know I will always love him and part of me hopes he will come home and realize what a mistake he has made. But a large part of me knows that I may never be able to fully trust him again after this if he ever does come back. I really thought we were going to get married. He had even mentioned the particular part of the beach where he wanted us to "do the deed." So, its hard for me to comprehend how a month ago he said that to me and this month we barely even speak. I feel like I don't know him anymore. Maybe I never did? Maybe this girl has brought out the "real" Jason that he was afraid to share with me. But I hope that I am wrong about that.

So, I guess what I really hope is that it takes him long enough to realize his mistake so that I will be healed and strong enough to say, "No, I can't let you hurt me again." I am reading a book that was recommended to me, Codependent No More, and I see myself on every page. I am realizing that I have not been living my own life, but investing every part of me in Jason and making sure that he is happy. I never say no and I always aim to please. It's time to be independent and learn how to hold my own. I will follow my own heart and reach for my dreams... as soon as I detach myself from "our" dreams and figure out what my own are.

To anyone who is reading this, wish me luck. I have a long road ahead of me.