Devastation

Webster’s dictionary defines devastation as: to bring to ruin or desolation by violent action; to reduce to chaos, disorder, or helplessness. I think that appropriately describes my current emotion state. Devastation.

I used to love to dream. Not daydream, but real deep sleep dream. Now, even the best of dreams are bad. Even if I have a good dream, one where I get to see Jason or hold him or touch him again… when I wake up alone, the dream becomes a nightmare. If it is 3am, like it was last night when I woke up, I toss and turn wishing the dream were reality and Jason were laying in his spot on the bed next to me and I could snuggle up next to him to get back to sleep.

Mornings are always hard. I wake up and wander around like a zombie getting ready for the day. No morning snuggle or a kiss goodbye. No one to say, “I love you. Have a good day.” Just my doggie to make me feel guilty for leaving her alone in a house she isn’t accustomed to yet.

I don’t know which is harder: being alone or knowing that he is not. I guess it should be motivation to push forward. If he can be so happy with someone new in such a short time after me, than he must not have ever really loved me. Right? Could he have? Or could she just be filling the void? I don’t know. I guess I don’t really need to know. I just need to remember that he has chosen not to be with me and begin my life over.

That’s what I really feel like I am doing. Starting over. I had my life planned. Not my whole life or every step of the way. But I knew the general direction and who was my co-pilot. But maybe the problem is… he wasn’t the co-pilot. I wasn’t the pilot of my own life… I was the passenger. I waited to see which direction Jason would turn and followed right along with him. And I was happy with that. Satisfied. Home is where Jason is. And since I allowed him to be in the drivers’ seat for so long, I am finding it difficult to get back behind the wheel. He left me and didn’t even give me a map. So now I am lost.

I am trying to learn to train my thought pattern. To stop the negative flow when it begins. There is no point in thinking about things you cannot change. Negative thoughts only cause negative feelings and there is no sense in that. I have to think of the positive things that will come out of this mess. I am writing again. Writing like I haven’t done since I was an adolescent and my imagination was full. I had forgotten how much I enjoy it. There is something innately satisfying about pouring your heart into words on a paper… or I guess in this case, words across the monitor. But it makes them real. It makes them available to others. It shares your life and feelings with the world. It connects you not only to other people, but connects you to yourself… your own soul. The words don’t just run off the top of my head… they come from somewhere deep within. Whether I knew it or not, I have missed it. And I will continue to write… I hope that others will continue to read and share in this with me.