A Long Day...

Some days are better, some days are worse. This one is worse. And for no particular reason. I just feel extra alone today. I always look forward to Friday’s. Friday’s are relief days. I don’t have to get up in the morning if I don’t want to. I can do what I want tonight. But the problem is, I don’t know what it is I want to do. I don’t know what to do with myself. I just paint and paint and decorate. But it really doesn’t make me feel any better. It just passes the time.

Time. I am scared of it these days. I feel like I am merely hanging on. I’m just living one day at a time with no real goal in sight. I am afraid that I have convinced myself that Jason is coming home and if I can just hang on long enough, it will happen. If I give him room enough to miss me and to realize what he’s lost, that he’ll come back to where we both know he belongs. I refuse to believe that the heart can change its mind in a matter of two weeks. If it could, I would have turned mine off by now and be moving on. But, I’m not because the heart doesn’t work that way. I believe that your mind can fool your heart and if you allow yourself to plug someone in to someone else’s place, you can confuse it. I think that if Jason had given himself enough time alone before jumping into a relationship with someone new, he would have realized that he was making the wrong decision. But with a new fling to fill the void of missing me, it is easy to push me farther and farther away and convince himself that he is happier.

But its hard for me to say, since we aren’t speaking right now. So, day to day I don’t know what he is doing and how he is feeling. I don’t know how often he sees her or how good she makes him feel. I don’t know what they do together or where they go. I am completely removed from the life I have been living for almost two years. It’s terrifying. Sometimes I feel like all I can do is write… keep writing and maybe once I get it all out it will be done. Finished. Over.

Over is such a scary word. Ex-boyfriend just won’t come out of my mouth. It doesn’t sound right. It doesn’t feel right. In my heart, he’s still “my Jason” and my baby and I can’t seem to let go of that. I guess because I don’t want to. I’m not ready to give up yet. I still believe in my heart that we were meant to be together and I know that at one point, he believed it too. I just need him to remember why. I need him to think about why he called me at 3am and asked me to go to the beach with him. Why was he thinking of me? Why did he want to see me after all that time? What made him kiss me on that elevator? What made him tell me that he loved me again for the first time after we got back together? What made him know that it was right for us to try again? I need him to really remember that. There is a reason. He can hide from it and use someone else to help him hide from it. But he knows deep down that it is still there. That it will always be there. All the time in the world will not make it go away.

I wonder if every time he waters the bonsais, does he think of me and want me to know how they are doing just as much as I want to ask? I took the money tree, the Norfolk pine and the palm tree. There aren’t doing as well as I had hoped. I hope it is not something I am doing or not doing that is causing them to change. The money tree’s leaves are droopy… I’ve given it water and partial sun and don’t know what else to do. The palm’s leaves are turning brown. I just don’t know what I’ll do if I let them die. Our plants had become like our “children” and I just hate the thought that I would fail at taking care of them without Jason’s help. I am glad I left the bonsais with him. He told me when he gave me the first one, Hubert, for Valentine’s Day, that as long as I kept the Bonsai alive, our love would stay alive. That feels like such a lie now. So much does.

I keep replaying so many things in my head. Reliving the weeks leading up to the break-up. Searching for signs that he was unhappy and that the end was coming. But they just are not to be found. He was so excited about the house, the yard, getting birds, buying new furniture and renovating an old house to make it our home. Sometimes I thought he was more excited than I was. He was so mad when we didn’t close on the Friday that we planned to. We bought furniture a week before. He spent a large amount of his tax return buying a dining room set that he said felt like it was “made for him.” I know he wouldn’t have spent money like that if he didn’t fully plan on living in that house and using the furniture. And he wanted me to go buy the living room furniture as soon as we closed so we would have it as soon as possible. He talked about plans for the house that were years down the road. Things that we would be able to afford to do a long time from now. He talked about how it was such a great investment for us and we would get such a good return on it in 5 years or so when we were ready to sell. Why would he think that far ahead if he were unhappy and planning to run away? And why would he ever even mention marriage if it wasn’t something he was considering? But maybe he was just caught up in the excitement of his best friend getting engaged? I hate to believe that though. I want to believe it is because he loves me. I know he loves me. I have felt it and I have seen it in his eyes. I refuse to believe, as good of an actor that Jason is, that he could fake those sorts of feelings and emotions towards me intentionally.

And my baby brother is getting married in a couple of weeks. I guess I always thought I would be first. And I really thought it was sneaking up on me. I know that Jason is a man of surprises and would only ask me to marry him when I least expected it. He knows that’s what I would want. I guess I keep hoping that my phone will ring or better yet, my doorbell and it will be him. And he will be there with a ring and an apology. And he will finally know that we are meant to be together. And we’ll go to that sandbar where we spent that wonderful day together. Where he helped me conquer a fear and take a plunge with him. Just us, the one marrying us and God to witness. I didn’t know when it would happen, but I knew in my heart that it would. I am terrified that my heart is starting to doubt now that it ever will. I can go on like this forever… passing the time and waiting for him to come home. I just don’t know if I can ever accept the fact that he may not. I am afraid that if he doesn’t, I will live in denial forever… just waiting. But I will if that is what I have to do. I know he is following his heart, but I am too. And my heart tells me to keep on waiting and this phase will pass. I believe it will. And when it does, we will be stronger than ever for what we have been through. I will be stronger for knowing that I can hold my own and I have explored my own thoughts and feelings. He will be stronger for knowing that he did what he needed to do to be sure this time. And then it will be forever. I just know it. I just have to be patient until he knows it too.