Why Do I Have To Be So Stupid?

Why? I really don't understand. i thought I was doing so good. Not "labelling" things and not wanting to. Only wanting to take things one day at a time. Apparently even that is too much to ask. I fall too easy and I fall too hard. And I am devastated everytime I am rejected. I don't want to be "a nice girl" or just his "friend." I want him to feel the same way about me as I do about him. Doesn't intimacy mean anything to anyone anymore? Why do I always get used? Why do I continue to let myself get used over and over? I feel so worthless! I pretty much hate myself for being so naive and letting myself get so attached so easily. I'm so stupid! And completely alone in it this time. I don't want to hear I told you so... because I know. I did this to myself. At least he was honest and told me now and I didn't get strung along any longer. I've only known him a few days... and I already hurt this bad. This night went from great to depressing in only a few moments. I'm just going to wallow in my self pity some more. Maybe I'll sleep. Please, God at least let me sleep through this. At least give me that!

Bad, bad Amy!

I had my whole evening planned. I was going to do laundry, unclog my tub, and maybe even patch some holes in the bathroom wall. But that all went to crap very quickly. It dawned on me that tomorrow is payday and I would really like to have a new pair of pants to wear to work. I've lost a lot of weight and not many of my pants fit anymore, so I find myself recycling the same pants more than once a week. So... I go shopping at my usual favorite store, American Eagle. No luck... not a single pair of dress pants in my size. So, I figure I may as well walk across and check the Gap. Once again, not a single pair in my size. So, I am frustrated and prepared to give up and go home when I see the big red SALE sign in the window of NY & Co. Jackpot! I couldn't stop myself!! I didn't buy just one pair of pants, not even two, but three pairs! And I didn't stop there... I helped myself to a skirt and six shirts!! But honestly, it was such a good sale that I spent as much on all of that as I would usually spend on just 3 pairs of nice pants. So, I am going to forget that I didn't need to spend that much money and just enjoy my new clothes. I deserve it, right? I'll remember to keep telling myself that next week when I am dead broke!!

And one little side note... I am still smiling! Things are great and I am enjoying myself. I feel better than I have felt in quite a while. Maybe that's what inspired my shopping spree? Who knows! Hope everyone else is smiling too! Lots of love!

Yes, I am a Chicken

So, here is my funny story for today.

My new friend came over last night to see my house for the first time. I gave him the tour but neglected to show him the basement (which I usually keep locked tight). Even though it was around 10:00 and the basement creeps me out, he insisted I show it to him anyway. So, I tiptoe down the stairs, which I hate because it has such low ceilings and I am a bit claustrophobic. I pull the cord and switch on the light at the bottom of the stairs.

Now, there is not much to this basement. There is some old junk left behind by previous owners, but nothing of any value. Also, the water heater and A/C crap is all down there. So, he looks around for a few minutes and I am standing, holding the pull cord, waiting to switch it off and go back upstairs. Suddenly, the A/C kicks on making raquet right behind me and scares the crap out of me. So, of course, I jump, yanking the cord and switch off the light. I also scream, leaping almost on top of him, and then run up the stairs. How embarrassing??

He of course laughs at me, to which I reply that he jumped too. Well, of course he did, I screamed and jumped on him. Well, at least now he knows that I am a chicken and won’t be surprised later if we watch a scary movie or something. Not to mention a bug later flew at my head and I ran from that as well.

But yes, I am still smiling by the way. My face is actually starting to hurt and my friends and co-workers are starting to suspect that I am on drugs or something. I am way too cheerful for my own good. But oh well... I’m just going to enjoy it while I can!!

Still Smiling

Ok… so I have had several calls and emails about my last post. Yes, I am still smiling! I met someone new this weekend through a friend. I don’t want to talk about it too much because I certainly don’t want to jump the gun or jinx anything. Just know that he is sweet and he is making me smile, and that’s all that you need to know right now.

Smiles

I'm all smiles today. Very sleepy smiles, but smiles. No details... just know that I am smiling. It's been a good weekend and let's just leave it at that for now! Things just happen when they are meant to and how they are meant to... and its always when you least expect it. Hope everyone else had a wonderful weekend!!

Love you all!

Mixed Emotions

I haven’t written a blog in a while. I guess I wasn’t sure what to write. I am ok, then I’m not, ok, then not. I swing back and forth very rapidly. It’s not much fun. My emotions are very mixed up right now... about many many things.

I am really happy about a lot of the things that are happening right now. I’ve made more progress in my bathroom. You can now turn the new light fixture on and off with a switch, rather than an old pull cord that no one could ever find. The sink is installed and after I swap one part for a properly fitting one, it will be fully functional. I’m glad to see this project nearing completion. Then, I will move along to the kitchen, where I need to finish removing the wallpaper and paint it. I’ll feel much better about the house when that is done.

I am also happy about having Jason back in my life. Talking to him daily has been really refreshing. He was my very best friend for nearly two years and he knows me probably better than anyone else. It’s nice to have my best friend back. The only part that I struggle with is whether or not he is back because he wants to be, or because he feels obligated to because I took care of him last week. I don’t want him to talk to me and spend time with me because he feels guilty or pity towards me. I want him to want to be a part of my life again. I am fully aware that things will never be the same and there is some awkwardness in the situation that will have to be overcome. But that is something I am prepared to deal with. I would much rather have him as a friend then have nothing.

I also have come to realize that a lot of the things he said last week were said out of drunkenness and being hurt, scared, rejected and lonely. I read too much into them. I do wonder which things he even remembers saying and doing? I’m really not sure. I want to believe that when he looked me in the eyes and told me something, that he meant it... but it’s hard to say now. I even asked him if he would remember saying this tomorrow or if he was too drunk, and he said he new exactly what he was saying... but I am not sure about that either. I am really trying to just accept it for what it was and just be happy that he was back in my arms for a couple of days. If I can accept that then we can move forward with our friendship.

He really is a wonderful person. I know a lot of my friends and family that read my blog are upset with me for even talking to him. Or more upset with him for reappearing on my doorstep after all this time. Don’t be angry. He doesn’t intend to hurt me. And I am not regressing. I am handling this surprisingly well. Jason is a tough person to get to know and he doesn’t let too many people in. I feel privileged to be one of those few people who have seen him with his guard down. He is an incredibly amazing person and I feel sorry for the people who haven’t seen that side of him. I wouldn’t let him back into my life if I didn’t think I could handle it. And also, know that he is hurting just like I was when he left me. I understand his pain and want to be able to be there for him. Just remember how bad off I was five months ago and know that I would never wish that kind of pain upon anyone. So, please bear with me and accept my decisions. And I am not saying in any way shape or form that I don’t want comments, advice, or opinions... they are always welcome and much appreciated. I am always happy to know that people are reading what I write. But, please don’t bash Jason in the process. I do love him and it hurts my feelings when people portray him negatively.

But I do thank all of you that have expressed your concerns and support. I’m glad to know that you all care. Love you all!

Hurricane Jason

He rips in and out of my life as he pleases. He’s not only destructive but self-destructive. He doesn’t mean to be, it’s just in his nature.

I woke up several times throughout the night. I was alone, and somehow surprised to be. I have slept alone for nearly five months now and have gotten quite used to it. No one snoring in my ear. No one stealing the covers. No one elbowing me in the ribs. No one wrapping their arms around me to let me know they are still there. It’s funny how just having him in the house can throw off my routine so easily. I want to get back to waking up and expecting the house to be empty and to be okay with that… and I want it to happen quickly.

I know that acceptance is the key. He has been honest with me and that’s really all I can ask for. He went from asking me if I thought I could let him back into my life, to telling me he wants to try to fix things with her in a matter of days. That should just reassure me that he doesn’t know what he really wants. I do want him to come home, but I want him to come home because he wants to be there. I don’t want to be second choice and I deserve not to be. I know that he meant it when he said he still loves me, because I can see it in his eyes. He just doesn’t love me as completely and hopelessly as I love him. I know it wasn’t his intention, but its hard not to feel misled and hurt. But I also know how easy it is to make mistakes when you are so hurt. I can forgive him for ripping open old wounds. They will heal once again

Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine –Fiona Apple

Cleaning up the mess

I hid out at my brothers for the evening last night. I didn't want to sit at home alone and look at the mess he left behind. I stayed out late and took sleeping pills so I could go straight to bed when I got home.

But it was all still here when I got home. His shirts were hanging just inside the front door. I had to fix it. I took them and hung them in the laundry room where at least they wouldn't be in open sight. I took his beer cooler and tucked it in the corner behind some other things so I wouldn't see it everytime I walked into the room. I walked all over the house collecting empty beer cans, beer bottles, beer tops, empty cigarette packs and any other paraphernalia that screamed "Jason has been here." I febreezed my furniture and changed my sheets trying to remove the old familiar smell of beear and cigarettes. I don't want it to smell like Jason has been here either. I washed all the hair out of the sink from where he shaved before work on Friday morning. I picked up all his dirty clothes off the bathroom floor and hid them from myself. He'll be back to get these things eventually... but until then, I don't want to look at them and be reminded. I was glad to have him in my arms for a couple of days, but now it is time to let go again. And cleaning up the mess is the first step.

Here I go again...

I really was doing so much better. I really was. Then he showed up on my doorstep, drunk, broke and hurting. Why did this have to happen now? I know I'll be ok. I know if I just pretend this didn't happen, I can fall back into the boring routine that I call my life. It's not what I want to do, but what I have to do. I really thought he had found his way home. I feel misled and hurt. But I realize he was drunk and probably doesn't even remember half of the things that he said to me, much less meant it. I shouldn't have allowed myself to believe his drunken words and given myself false hopes. I should have stayed in my shell and just been there as his friend. But there is something about him, something about the connection between us, that helps him to penetrate that wall I have been so busy building for the last 4 or 5 months. I let my wall crumble in a moment of weakness and I will build it back as quickly as possible. I can't slide back into depression. I can't let him do it to me again. I know he didn't mean to hurt me... he does care. If he didn't care, I wouldn't have been the first person he called and he wouldn't have come running to me. It was really good to have him home, if even for just a few days. I don't have any regrets, except that I wish I could be stronger and not be hurting so much now that he is gone again. But because I love him, and I know he needs me to be strong, I will hold it together and be there for him. I know thats what he needs me to do. I hope I have proved myself as the friend that I want to be. And I hope that no one and nothing can keep us from being friends.

I'm a mess right now. But I will be ok. But I do need my friends. All of you. Call me, go out with me, keep me entertained and remind me that I am okay by myself. I know that I am. Thanks for those of you who do care and who have been checking on me. I need the support. Love you all!!

Poof!

Poof is the sound of your world turning upside down in the blink of an eye. Poof is the sound of the rug being snatched out from under you once again. This week has been really hard on me. I have done my best to be the best friend I can be and give unbiased advice. I guess I didn't realize just how much I still love him. I thought I would feel some satisfaction to see him hurting the way he hurt me, but I don't. I care too much. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy and I had found peace in the idea that he was. But now that he isn't happy, I wonder if I moved on for no reason. Should I have let him go so easy? That's what he wanted, right? I only did what he asked. All I can do now is be his friend and support him in his decisions. He has a long road ahead of him, I know.

I only hope that we can really be friends after this. I hope that we can put all of the bad memories in the past and only worry about the future. Things will get better from here on out... for both of us. And no matter how much I may hurt, it was worth it to see him again.

From Happy to OMG WTF? in 2 seconds flat!

Wow... that's the only way I know how to describe today. I'm tired and I'm going to bed and its only 8pm. Not watching Nip Tuck. Not watching anything. I just need to go to sleep. I am going to need serious therapy after a day like today. Wow...

Beautiful Bride!

No not me, crazy people! My friend Melanie got married a few weeks ago and here is a picture of me, her and Jennifer Spencer. Doesn't she look incredible?! And absolutely NO ONE else could get away with playing Bon Jovi in their wedding ceremony! Love you, Mel!

Angel's Trumpet

I used to live in this neighborhood and walked my dog all the time. There was a particular bush that I loved that had upside down flowers on it. I have found out since then that they are called Angel's Trumpets. I got lucky and have 3 of them in my front yard! The one by the road is blooming for the second time this year and is absolutely beautiful. This picture doesn't nearly do it justice but I thought I would share it anyway!

La di da di...

So I am happy today. Just felt like I would share it. It's rainy and yucky outside but the sun is shining inside. I had a good evening. A good walk on the treadmill at the gym listening to some good ol' Dave Matthews, Johnny Cash ad Coldplay... odd combo I know. Then I cooked dinner and watched a good movie with a great friend. Nothing better than good company to make me feel better! Then I slept well for once and woke up feeling great.

Now I am ready for another good evening. And I know it will be because Nip Tuck is coming on tonight. I have only seen a few episodes but I watched the season premiere last week and have a feeling it is going to become my new regular show.

Guess its time to head back to the office... hope everyone is feeling as great as I am today!!

Major progress

Commentary

I also emailed the pictures from my last blog entry to various friends, family members and co-workers and have been getting a big response. I thought it would be fun to post everyone’s responses. Feel free to add some more!

Jennifer Spencer: awesome . . .it's like a trailer park - with no wheels . . .you should fill the toilet with ice and use it for a beer cooler . . lmao

Keith Norman: This is better than HGTV! Keep us posted!

Margaret Murphy: I am sooo proud of you for tackling this and not waiting on a “prince” to come along and do it. I’ll be happy to haul off this stuff for you—that’s one of the advantages of having an older Jeep. There’s plenty of room in the back AND you never have to worry about dirt from baseball cleats or muddy border collies or friends’ various and sundry plumbing discards. You hauled it out there so I should be able to load it and unload it just as easily. Just let me know

Laura Hicks: Did you rip it out yourself?? LOL Are you tiling it yourself? I'm impressed!

Jennifer Roberts: Looks like it's coming along smoothly! Looks great! I can't wait to get started on our bathroom.

Linda Hicks: You are making progress. Keep up the good work. Love ya.

Jerry Shell: The proper name for those are "decorative lawn accessories" in which you may plant petunias or some other blooming annual. Be sure to use a color which will accent the color of your shutters or doors. Also for a more practical use, if your family is into a brisk game of "horseshoes" you may store the horseshoes there when not it use. For more hints you may consult Heloise, but will most likely find more appropriate hints from someone named "Purlie Mae".

Jonathan Shell: haha, that looks good. you should set out the toilet in the front yard and plant some flowers in it.

Mary Jane Myers: Plant you some flowers in that toilet!!!! Your floor looks great!!!!! Thanks for sharing with me!!!

Barbara Crippen: You need to take the lid off the toilet & plant it. Just sit it artistically somewhere in the shrubbery!!! All I see wrong with it on your back porch is that no vines are trailing out of it.

New view of my back porch

At the request of some of my blog readers, here are some pictures! The first two are of the new decorative items that are now on my back porch. The last one is the current condition of my downstairs bathroom. I've still got a lot of work to do, but I am having fun in the meantime!

What dreams may come

We sit together in a crowded bar. We are perched on two bar stools close together. Although the bar is crowded, it seems strangely quiet. I can only hear you as you animatedly tell me a story about something I have apparently missed over these past few months. When the story is over, we share a laugh and sit there silently for a moment, just staring at one another.

I start to speak. I want to tell you so many things and nothing seems to come out right. I start to ramble, “I thought about you last week, when I watched that movie and he told her that he loved her…” and I trail off knowing I haven’t made any sense. But somehow, you know exactly what I meant to say. You smile and nod to let me know that you do. Still you say nothing, but continue to look at me, waiting to hear what I have to say next. I continue, “It’s been more than four months this time, you know.” I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I fan my face to stop them as the lump rises is my throat.

You stand and pull me close to you. You still smell the same. I instinctively wrap my arms around you and lace my fingers into the shaggy hair on the back of your head. You still feel the same. You squeeze back and whisper into my hair. That familiar supportive voice says, “Be strong, Amy. Be strong.” Just as our lips are about to meet, I am jarred by a horrible sound.

What is that terrible noise? It’s my alarm sounding. I glance around the room and see that I am alone in my bed. Suddenly, I am ripped from the wonderful place where I have just been and am thrown abruptly back into reality. For a moment, you were there and I could see, smell, hear and feel you. For a moment, you were mine again.

As I drag myself out of the bed to get ready and begin another day, I can feel those hot tears springing up again. I start to get upset. But then, those words resound inside my head. “Be strong, Amy. Be strong.” And I know, that if I had called you crying like I had wanted to do so badly the night before, that those words are exactly what you would have told me. That’s what you would want me to do.

And that’s what I am doing. I resist the urge to call or write. It’s hard. But I know that is what I need to do for my own sake. I know that you would be there for me if I reached out to you. But the time and distance is making me stronger daily. I think maybe God knew how much I needed you last night. He knew that I needed your words of comfort for just a moment and He gave it to me in that dream. It was a message. Not a sign that you would be back, but a reminder to myself to push on and move forward. The healing has been slow but I am taking big steps these days. I am ok. I am stronger than I think. Thank you for helping me remember.

But all the colors mix together to grey

I'm tired. Tired of being tired and not being able to sleep! I take sleeping pills and lay and bed and think and think and think. I'm just so aggravated about so many things right now. Why can't people just be straight-forward and honest about things? How can a person just dodge a direct question and pretend they didn't hear it? Is it better to just deny the truth than to just say it and hurt someone's feeling and get it over with? A real friend will just tell the truth and suffer the consequences of being honest. But I would rather be hurt and know its time to move on, then to continue to hold out hope and be strung along just to be let down later. I obviously don't understand boys, how they think, or how they process emotions. I only understand how I feel I am being treated and how a person reacts to how I treat them. I wish things could just be black and white and maybe then I wouldn't always be lost in the grey areas. I think Dave Matthew's must have known about me when he wrote Grey Street. It could be the theme song to my life. I guess that's why it has always been my favorite DMB song.

Grey Street by DMB

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street
She thinks, "Hey, how did I come to this?"
I dream myself a thousand times around the world
But I can't get out of this place.
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears he doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her he might
She says "I pray
But they fall on deaf ears, am
I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place? "
There's lonliness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

There's a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It'd take the work out of courage
But she says "Please
There's a crazy man that's creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street
And the end of the world. "
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart

She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She would change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To Grey...

Still under construction...

So tonight was kind of a bust. I had planned on finishing the tile in the bathroom, but no such luck. The tile cutter I bought will only cut straight cuts and not L-shaped ones. So I can't cut any of the corner pieces. Obviously I am going to have to rent a wet saw to finish the tile. So, frustrated, I go to Wal-Mart to buy a gallon of paint so I will at least feel like I haven't wasted the whole night. I go to the new Wal-Mart near my house, on Ann Street. After standing at the paint counter for a few minutes, I start to wander around looking for someone who can mix paint. I find a woman sticking shelves who says she will page someone for me. I go back to the counter and wait 10 mintues and never hear a page. I head in another direction and find two men stocking shelves together. I ask if either of them can mix paint or page someone who can. One of them says he will page someone. So, I return to the paint counter, and once again never hear a page. As I am standing there, getting quite angry at this point, an older person in a vest who appears to be a manager walks by. I ask him if there is anyone in the store who can mix paint. He looks at me as if I have asked a stupid question and says, "I seriously doubt it. i'll see what I can do even though this isn't even my department." At that, I throw my paint swatch on the counter and proceed to storm out of Wal-Mart. Off all the morons that work there, not one of them is competent enough to mix paint? I think for a moment about tracking down the store manager and compaining not only about there being no one to mix paint, but also about how rude and unhelpful several of the employees had been. But I thought better of it, since I was so angry, that it might be best for me to just leave.

So I drive over to Lowe's and spend twice as much on paint as I would have if I had gotten it at Wal-Mart. And I got a color different from the original plan because I couldn't find the right shade of green. But I did eventually make it home with a gallon of paint and got the whole bathroom painted including the ceiling. At least I feel like the whole day wasn't a waste. I'm just stressed and extremely frustrated and confused about how I am going to get everything done. I was hoping that this project would be stress relieving and distract me from all of the other stressful things that are going on right now. But I think I have only made it worse.

No, I really don't need any help. I am happy to do the work by myself. But if anyone would like to offer to come keep me company while I work, that would be wonderful. Just give me a call... send me a message... whatever! Just come keep me sane.

Going with the flow...

Going with the flow is sometimes hard for me to do. I tend to want a general idea of which direction I am headed in. But I have decided that the current situation I am in calls for spontaniety. If I just sit back and relax, things will happen naturally. The pieces will fall into place as they are meant to. I am happy with the way things are and don't want to botch things by asking too many questions or being pushy. I'm happy right here and right now and with the people who are currently in my life. Exciting things are happening and I am interested to see where it goes from here.

Today was a wonderful day! The weather was great! I drove around in my car, sang loud, swam, got some sun and visited friends. It was an overall relaxing and much needed day off. I'm ready for this short work week and looking forward to making more progress in my bathroom project.

Goodnight everyone and I hope you all had a wonderful Labor Day weekend! WAR EAGLE!

Demo

I got all of the demolition finished today. All of the unwanted tile has been removed and I am ready to start putting down the new tile. No, I haven't done this before and no, I don't really know what I am doing. But I have read a little bit of "how to" stuff and am just going to go for it! If it doesn't turn out right, I can always tear it up and start over again, right?

My whole body hurts! Who needs the gym when I can just swing a sledgehammer all day instead? I had planned to go back to the gym everyday this week after work. But now it will depend on how sore I am from this project. If I come home and work in the bathroom everyday, its the same thing, isn't it? Either way, I feel like I have been working out. I just can't wait to see this project done. I am already proud of the work I have done so I can only imagine how proud I will be to have a new functioning bathroom! Wish me luck! And volunteers welcome!

Happy Labor Day everyone!

And We're Off...

I finally started! After all of my procrastinating, I went today and bought tile, a new pedestal sink and a new toilet for my downstairs half bath. I really have no idea what I am doing besides what the "How To" turtorials on the Home Depot website tell me. I just jumped right in and started ripping things out. The sink came out much easier than I expected... but not without a hitch. I did break a pipe which was already very corroded and probably needed to be replaced anyway. Soon after, I removed the toilet and the in-wall medicine cabinet. Next, i started busting up the extremely unattractive tile that trims the floor. I don't plan on removing the floor, but tiling right over it since it is level. But the baseboard tile is much more difficult to remove than I thought it would be. After lots of swinging a hammer and debris flying in my face, I decide to quit for the evening. Tomorrow I will get a sledgehammer and some safety goggles and go at it again. But for someone who doesn't know what they are doing, I am pretty pleased with my progress.

So I retired to watching tv, once the Auburn game was over. I got several unexpeced phonecalls this evening. It would have been nice if any of them had been BEFORE I was all sweaty and stinking from my new rennovation project. Oh well... maybe next time? So now that I have had my fill from pizza and cookies and am completely exhausted from my days work, I am going to hit the bed and for once might defeat my insomnia and get a full nights rest!! Let's hope because I want to get a lot done tomorrow. if anyone want to volunteer their assistance/supervision, please give me a call. Hope everyone else enjoyed their evening!