I really was doing so much better. I really was. Then he showed up on my doorstep, drunk, broke and hurting. Why did this have to happen now? I know I'll be ok. I know if I just pretend this didn't happen, I can fall back into the boring routine that I call my life. It's not what I want to do, but what I have to do. I really thought he had found his way home. I feel misled and hurt. But I realize he was drunk and probably doesn't even remember half of the things that he said to me, much less meant it. I shouldn't have allowed myself to believe his drunken words and given myself false hopes. I should have stayed in my shell and just been there as his friend. But there is something about him, something about the connection between us, that helps him to penetrate that wall I have been so busy building for the last 4 or 5 months. I let my wall crumble in a moment of weakness and I will build it back as quickly as possible. I can't slide back into depression. I can't let him do it to me again. I know he didn't mean to hurt me... he does care. If he didn't care, I wouldn't have been the first person he called and he wouldn't have come running to me. It was really good to have him home, if even for just a few days. I don't have any regrets, except that I wish I could be stronger and not be hurting so much now that he is gone again. But because I love him, and I know he needs me to be strong, I will hold it together and be there for him. I know thats what he needs me to do. I hope I have proved myself as the friend that I want to be. And I hope that no one and nothing can keep us from being friends.
I'm a mess right now. But I will be ok. But I do need my friends. All of you. Call me, go out with me, keep me entertained and remind me that I am okay by myself. I know that I am. Thanks for those of you who do care and who have been checking on me. I need the support. Love you all!!
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