Hurricane Jason

He rips in and out of my life as he pleases. He’s not only destructive but self-destructive. He doesn’t mean to be, it’s just in his nature.

I woke up several times throughout the night. I was alone, and somehow surprised to be. I have slept alone for nearly five months now and have gotten quite used to it. No one snoring in my ear. No one stealing the covers. No one elbowing me in the ribs. No one wrapping their arms around me to let me know they are still there. It’s funny how just having him in the house can throw off my routine so easily. I want to get back to waking up and expecting the house to be empty and to be okay with that… and I want it to happen quickly.

I know that acceptance is the key. He has been honest with me and that’s really all I can ask for. He went from asking me if I thought I could let him back into my life, to telling me he wants to try to fix things with her in a matter of days. That should just reassure me that he doesn’t know what he really wants. I do want him to come home, but I want him to come home because he wants to be there. I don’t want to be second choice and I deserve not to be. I know that he meant it when he said he still loves me, because I can see it in his eyes. He just doesn’t love me as completely and hopelessly as I love him. I know it wasn’t his intention, but its hard not to feel misled and hurt. But I also know how easy it is to make mistakes when you are so hurt. I can forgive him for ripping open old wounds. They will heal once again

Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine –Fiona Apple