Mixed Emotions

I haven’t written a blog in a while. I guess I wasn’t sure what to write. I am ok, then I’m not, ok, then not. I swing back and forth very rapidly. It’s not much fun. My emotions are very mixed up right now... about many many things.

I am really happy about a lot of the things that are happening right now. I’ve made more progress in my bathroom. You can now turn the new light fixture on and off with a switch, rather than an old pull cord that no one could ever find. The sink is installed and after I swap one part for a properly fitting one, it will be fully functional. I’m glad to see this project nearing completion. Then, I will move along to the kitchen, where I need to finish removing the wallpaper and paint it. I’ll feel much better about the house when that is done.

I am also happy about having Jason back in my life. Talking to him daily has been really refreshing. He was my very best friend for nearly two years and he knows me probably better than anyone else. It’s nice to have my best friend back. The only part that I struggle with is whether or not he is back because he wants to be, or because he feels obligated to because I took care of him last week. I don’t want him to talk to me and spend time with me because he feels guilty or pity towards me. I want him to want to be a part of my life again. I am fully aware that things will never be the same and there is some awkwardness in the situation that will have to be overcome. But that is something I am prepared to deal with. I would much rather have him as a friend then have nothing.

I also have come to realize that a lot of the things he said last week were said out of drunkenness and being hurt, scared, rejected and lonely. I read too much into them. I do wonder which things he even remembers saying and doing? I’m really not sure. I want to believe that when he looked me in the eyes and told me something, that he meant it... but it’s hard to say now. I even asked him if he would remember saying this tomorrow or if he was too drunk, and he said he new exactly what he was saying... but I am not sure about that either. I am really trying to just accept it for what it was and just be happy that he was back in my arms for a couple of days. If I can accept that then we can move forward with our friendship.

He really is a wonderful person. I know a lot of my friends and family that read my blog are upset with me for even talking to him. Or more upset with him for reappearing on my doorstep after all this time. Don’t be angry. He doesn’t intend to hurt me. And I am not regressing. I am handling this surprisingly well. Jason is a tough person to get to know and he doesn’t let too many people in. I feel privileged to be one of those few people who have seen him with his guard down. He is an incredibly amazing person and I feel sorry for the people who haven’t seen that side of him. I wouldn’t let him back into my life if I didn’t think I could handle it. And also, know that he is hurting just like I was when he left me. I understand his pain and want to be able to be there for him. Just remember how bad off I was five months ago and know that I would never wish that kind of pain upon anyone. So, please bear with me and accept my decisions. And I am not saying in any way shape or form that I don’t want comments, advice, or opinions... they are always welcome and much appreciated. I am always happy to know that people are reading what I write. But, please don’t bash Jason in the process. I do love him and it hurts my feelings when people portray him negatively.

But I do thank all of you that have expressed your concerns and support. I’m glad to know that you all care. Love you all!