Waiting... maybe testing?

I’ve been waiting. All week. Monday I found out that I will be having surgery. Now it is Thursday. Jason asked me to let him know. I did. I e-mailed which is the only method of contact we have had for weeks. No reply. No, “I’m sorry that you have to have surgery.” No, nothing. I should be angry and I am a bit. But, mostly, I am hurt. I guess reality is sinking in. You really don’t care about me or what happens to me. As long as you are happy and you are rid of me, you’re just fine. Well, that’s great. Thanks for not caring. Jerk.

So, now that is out of my system… I am really sick this morning. Maybe that is part of why I am finally angry. I haven’t been at work a half hour yet and am already debating whether I can make it through the whole day or not. I ate more for dinner last night than I have eaten in weeks and I am sure that is part of my problem this morning. Last night, we had a “memorial service” for the dog that we lost last week. It was hard but I think it will give me a bit of closure to the situation. He really was a good dog and we’ll miss him.

I am really nervous about this weekend for several reasons. Graduation was hard on me. This wedding is going to be hard too. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy that my baby brother is getting married and that he has found happiness in another person. But, the whole idea of weddings in general give me knots in my stomach. I can’t think of wedding without thinking of Jason telling me where he wanted to marry me. I can’t help but think of how alone I am and that maybe I’ll never get married. Maybe I never want to? Maybe I will never trust another man deeply enough to marry him? I trusted Jason completely. He hurt me once before and I was able to forgive, forget, love and completely trust him again. I had no doubts. I don’t know that I will ever be able to go there again… not with him or anyone else who comes along. How sad of a thought is that? That one person can break your heart so badly that maybe it will never completely heal? He took a large part of my heart with him when he left me and maybe it will never be whole again? Maybe I will never be whole again. But God knows, I will try.

I will try at other things too. I will try to be a better person. A better friend. To be there for others and not need so much. Try not to need anyone else to be happy. Find happiness in myself and be okay alone. It gets better everyday but some days are just bad. But maybe those bad days will help me to appreciate the better ones. I’m holding on guys. I am hanging in there… even if sometimes only by a thread. I know I am going to be okay. I am stronger than this and I won’t let it beat me. I won’t let YOU beat me.