You Were Meant For Me

All morning are hard. But Sunday is by far the hardest. it used to be Jason and I's favorite day of the week. The whole week is busy and we have something to do and often Jason had to work or do something on Saturday mornings as well. But Sundays we were free and clear. Be would roll around in the bed until noon, often later, usually making love before finally dragging ourselves out of bed because the conversation of growling between our stomachs had gotten so loud. We'd drive somewhere, with the top down if weather permitted and have a nice late lunch. Then we'd come home and lounge, maybe watch some silly show on television. Jason might do some homework or reading if he had some for class the next day. But most of all, we'd just relax and spend time with each other and talk about the events of the week. I miss those days the most.

Now I wake up alone, unless a friend stays over. But most of the time alone. Spend the early afternoon alone and don't eat lunch. Today is especially tough. My baby brother got married and left town for his honeymoon yesterday. Most of my family is still in Cullman, AL where they had the wedding. So I am especially alone. Nowhere to run and hide from the loneliness.

I heard a song yesterday while I was getting my hair fixed for the wedding. It was one of my favorite songs when I was probably 13 or 14 years old. I knew every word and would sing along every time I heard it. But back then I was young and naive and had never experienced the extreme feeling of loss that I am going through now. I didn't understand the pain that was expressed in what seemed like such silly lyrics at the time... making eggs, crawling into bed, putting the tooth paste cap back on... seem absolutely ridiculous to sing about. But those little tiny insignificant things are the ones that really hurt when you are alone and you once weren't. This is the song, maybe those of you who have been where I am can relate:

You Were Meant For Me
Jewel

I hear the clock, it's six a.m.
I feel so far from where I've been
I got my eggs and my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you.
I break the yolks, make a smiley face
I kinda like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots off the mirror
Don't leave the keys in the door
Never put wet towels on the floor anymore' cause
Dreams last for so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you

I called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
I saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy and I was sad
It made me miss you oh so bad 'cause
Dreams last for so long
Even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

I go about my business, I'm doin fine
Besides what would I say if I had you on the line
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken, everyday.
I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick a book up. Turn the sheets down.
Take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pjs and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause
Dreams last for so long
Even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon I know you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you
Yeah.... You were meant for me and I was meant for you.


Those lyrics are just so true. Just because Jason is gone and he is moving on with his new life without me doesn’t mean that I can just kill all of the dreams that we’ve had for the past two years. I still love him and I still want all of the things I wanted a month ago, two, three months ago… I didn’t change my mind. He did. And I miss him so much. I wish I could stop the dreams. Why can’t he just see what I see?