Rough times...

Today started out alright. I had too much to drink last night but ended up not feeling so bad this morning. Took a shower and put on some clothes that I haven't been able to wear in a long time. Felt really good. Felt good about the conversation I had with Jason last night.

The good feelings didn't last very long. Jason's mother called me. I was very glad to hear from her but I didn't want to hear some of the things she had to say. She told me that Jason had brought his new "young lady" by her house one day this week. She said he seems really happy. And that is what I want for Jason. More than anything in the world I want for him to be happy. I guess I have just known in my heart that we would be happy together forever. I don't know if he is happy because it is new, fresh and exciting. But, I don't need to think that way. I need to accept the fact that he has made his decision and move on. I want so badly to hold on and to just wait for him to come home where he belongs. I guess I thought he would come to see the house and realize and remember that this really is where he wants to be and that he misses me. I guess I was wrong.

I want him to come because he realizes that he really does love. Not because it doesn't work out with the new girl or because I convince him to. I want him to come home because he knows it is the right thing to do. And if that doesn't happen, I guess I will just have to accept the fact that my heart can be wrong. My faith can be wrong. And no matter how hard, how fully, how completely I love him... that doesn't mean it was meant to be or that he loves me as deeply. I will always love him. No matter what happens between us from here on out. He has been an inspiration in my life and I have been so lucky to have him. I know that I would not be where I am today without his love and support. I am so thankful that I had him for as long as I did. He is the most wonderful person in the world and I admire him. He is a stong person to do what he has done. It was not easy for him to hurt me. It was not easy for him to decide to let go. But he did.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. But I realize that all I can do is trust that God will get me through this. God will either heal my heart or he will return him to me. Time will tell which will happen. Waiting to see is the hard part... so, God please help me.