Graduation

My baby brother graduated today. It was rough on me to even be back at AUM. Everything there reminds me of Jason. And I couldn't help but think of my own graduation when I was so hurt because Jason came running in only moments before they called my name. He didn't bring a card, a flower... nothing. My feelings were really hurt although I don't think I ever told him that.

I held it together through the ceremony and fought back tears and an anxiety attack. it didn't help that I saw his new girlfriend's name in the program for the afternoon ceremony. We all walked over to the Taylor Center, which for those of you who aren't familiar with AUM, also houses Theatre AUM. I stood in the hall outside the room where they were having the reception because they were just too many people inside. Suddenly, I found myself standing face to face with a large poster size photo of Jason in the last play he was in at AUM. I have put all of my photos of him safely away in drawers at home. So, the site of his big brown eyes caught me off guard and took my breath away. I had a breakdown. I burst into tears and couldn't breath. And I had no where to go. I rode there with family and was trapped. So trapped. I couldn't stop crying, I could't stop thinking. I was suddenly miserable again after doing so well this past week.

Once I managed to get out of there, I was able to pull myself together and the tears dried. I am back in the safety of my own home where I have carefully hidden reminders of Jason and my life with him. I can hide here. I feel safe here.

I had some plans today but the rain is making that difficult. John volunteered to help me trade the big green ottoman for my red one instead of having to wait until Tuesday for the furniture company to deliver it. That would be great, especially since I don't know what is going to happen with the consultation with the sugeon on Monday. Hopefully, if I have to have surgery, it can wait until after my brother's wedding next weekend. I am a bridesmaid and I am just not sure how I am going to be able to hold myself together long enough to stand up there with them. I mean, my baby brother is getting married?!

I hope everyone else is having a wonderful day. Maybe the ran will pass it will be nice out later.