Unmotivated

That sums it up for me today. Completely unmotivated to do anything constructive. Why? Who knows? I thought that after being off work on Thursday and Friday that I would be playing catch-up today. But, no such luck. There is still very little to do here today and what there is to do, I don’t feel like doing. I blame it on the depression. I just feel like I can’t do anything right. How strange is that? I am a very hard worker and I take a lot of pride in a job well done. But, I can’t seem to get motivated to do anything… much less do anything well. The only thing I am proud of lately is my writing. I write more than people know because I don’t post everything I write. I just write to have written it… or if it is too personal to post, I sometimes send it to Jason. I want to still feel connected, for some strange reason. Most often he doesn’t reply… or at least doesn’t comment on the things I hope most for him to comment on. But I think overall, it helps me to get it out and to “tell” him the things I feel I need to tell. I hate not sharing my life with him. Not knowing how he is or what he is doing…and knowing that he doesn’t know what I am doing. It’s very sad. From the day we got back together until the day we broke up, we only spent two days apart and that was because he went to a theater competition in Jacksonville. We wanted to be together. Always. He made me happy and I made him happy. It was a perfect world to me. I miss him more than words can describe. Can’t I just press rewind and go back to when we were both happy?

I guess I need for him to constantly remind me that he is happier now than he was with me. I need him to tell me that he loves this girl and that he knows in his heart that he made the right decision by leaving me. That should motivate me to give up and move on, right? I guess the real problem is that I don’t want to give up. I do want to feel better and to be ok. But, I don't want to give up my faith. I have such strong faith in the bond between Jason and I. It’s something I have never felt before. The ties between us can be strained but not broken. They will never be broken. Not by anyone. So I can’t help but feel like I am just waiting. When we broke up the first time, there was another girl. It didn’t take him long to figure out that he didn’t really want her… he just wanted something new. It took four months but he found his way home. I know he can do it again. I have faith in him. I have faith in our love for each other. The right thing will prevail. But in the meantime, I will get stronger. I will be a bigger and better person. I will be ready when it happens. Ready to face the demons and to accept what has happened between us so that we can move forward together. We can get through this. I am certain. Time will tell him. He will see. He just has to open his eyes and his heart and he will see again. And I will be here when he does. I still love you, Jason.

My hero!

So it's been an interesting day. I went and ate with my brother and his new wife and we went to see Over the Hedge. It was cute but not highly recommendable.

After the movie, I went with Johh over to his mom's for a while. Then I headed home to do some laundry. Well, no luck... I got home and my parents had been by to bring me a load of my things from their house. Well, my dad pushed some "magic button" to lock the front door rather than using the deadbolt. I don't have a key for anything other than the deadbolt! So, I am stuck on my porch with no way in the house. I called John since he only lives 2 minutes away and it would have taken my Dad 20-30 minutes to get here. After much debating on whether or not to break a window to get in, John discovers that one of the doors into the crawlspace actually goes down into the basement. There was only a piece of carboard covering the inside of the door. So, I held the flashlight for him while he climbed down into the basement. Thank God the basement door wasn't locked with the skeleton key! So, John is my new hero and he rescued me from my front porch back into my own house. LOL! What an evening!

So, now I really have to do some laundry and get my butt in bed so I can get up for work in the morning. Hope everyone enjoyed their long weekend!

Falling behind

I guess I have fallen behind on my blogging. I have been really sick these past few days. Friday I didn't go to work again. Was more sick than I have been so far. I took some Bonine (anti-nausea) and went to sleep. After a couple of phone calls waking me up to check on me, I turned the sound off on my phone to actually get some sleep. That was at 8am. The next thing I know, my mother is walking into my bedroom and waking me up at 7pm. People had been calling me all day and I wouldn't answer. I guess they thought I'd killed myself or my gall bladder had ruptured or something. But I was fine, I guess I just needed some rest.

Then yesterday was a pretty lazy day. I spent most of the afternoon laying on the couch watching chick flicks on TBS. Sad, I know. But everyone was busy with other things and I didn't feel like bearing the heat. Heat and nausea don't go well together. But in the evening, I went with John over to a friend of his and watch some fights on paperview. I've never really enjoyed boxing so I didn't think I would enjoy this. But this is different. They really beat the crap out of each other and for some reason, I seem to enjoy watching that.

So now we arrive at Sunday. I was feeling pretty terrible when I woke up, but I took a nice long shower and relaxing seemed to help. It's funny how the pain comes and goes during the day. It's just always so intense in the mornings.

John is supposed to come cut my grass this afternoon. He is cutting another friend's first and then I think we may go swimming at my parents house. I'm a little nervous about putting on my bathing suit for the first time this season... but surely with the 35 lbs I have lost since Easter, it should fit okay. Let's hope for John's sake that it does, ha ha!!

I hope that staying busy today will help. I am really fighting with myself to not be depressed today. I'm trying to ignore it, supress it... whatever I have to do to keep from crying. I am so tired of crying. I am tired of feeling lonely. I am tired of the depressing thoughts. I am tired of fighting the urge to pick up the phone. I just want to feel better. I want so badly to be able to move on. Just have to keep moving...

Anger

Sick, sick, sick. That's all I ever feel these days. The more sick I feel, the more sad and depressed I become. It's a cyclical pattern that I can't seem to stop. Is surgery really the only answer?

I’m angry today too. Angry at the world. Angry at how my life is turning out. I guess angry that I can’t have what I want. Or maybe angry at myself because I always want what I can’t have? Why can’t I just want some simple things and make life easier on myself. But I don’t. I want the whole world. I want back the things that once made me happy. And I want them to make me happy again. I want to just make it through one whole day without crying or throwing up even just once. Why is that too much to ask? Has God abandoned me? What did I do so wrong? Does He think I deserve this pain?

God, I take it back! Whatever I did or whatever I said to make You want to torture me, I take it all back!

The Stove Works!

I cooked dinner for the first time in the new house. So, now I know that the stove works. It was a a bit bumpy though. I realized all of the cooking equipment of mine that I left at Jason's. I had to borrow a can opener from John. I am really upset that I left my expensive knife that I got for my birthday and so I had to cut the tomatos with a stupid butter knife. But dinner came together and I was actually able to eat a good bit of it. And it must have been good to everyone else as well because there weren't any leftovers.

It was a nice evening. Relaxing. Watched tv and enjoyed the company of friends... even though John was tortured because we made him watch American Idol with us. I think he'll survive.

I am still looking forward to this 3-day weekend. I am hoping to find something interesting for us to do rather than the same old things. We'll see... if anyone has any suggestions, let me know...

Big Step

I know this is going to sound silly, but last night was a big step forward for me. I went to Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart is difficult for me for more than one reason. I have crowd anxiety and lots of screaming children and crowded aisles tend to trigger pretty severe anxiety attacks in which I can’t breathe and feel like I am having a heart attack. Reason number 2: Wal-Mart is a family place and it is full of couples shopping together which is tough for me to deal with right now. Lame, I know, but it is something that really affects me.

But yesterday, John called when he got home from work and said he was going grocery shopping if I wanted to go with him. He picked me up and we headed to Wal-Mart in Wetumpka which is much much less crowded than the one on Atlanta Highway where I used to go. Now, keep in mind… this is the very first grocery shopping trip that I have made since I have moved into my new house. I haven’t been eating very much lately with the gall bladder problem, so grocery shopping has been unnecessary thus far. I can’t even begin to explain how strange of a feeling it was to walk up and down the aisles just looking for things that my stomach can handle and things that only I might want to eat. I have grown so accustomed to thinking “What does Jason like and how much food can I afford to buy and still be able to get beer and cigarettes for Jason?” It was actually kind of scary to just think for myself… to only consider what I need. Of course, as usual… I forgot the only thing that I really did need to buy… dog food for my baby girl. But it was nice to make it through the shopping trip without having an attack… I think it helped that I knew John was there, just in case I did. I don’t think he knows about my anxiety attacks and I probably would have scared him to death if I had one… but I knew I would be okay just because I wasn’t there alone. I really appreciate him asking me to go with him. The everyday things seem to be the hardest to do alone.

So, we got back home and John helped me carry the groceries in. He left to get his own frozen food in the freezer but asked me to come over and watch a scary movie that I have been wanting to see. I, of course, agreed and put my groceries away so that I could head over to his house. But, then I remember… my dog was home. She is still not used to the new house and I had already left her alone for a long time to go to the grocery store. She was so excited to see me when I got home that I just couldn’t bear to leave her. Is that sad or what? So, I called John and told him that we’d have to do it another night because I couldn’t leave my doggy alone for that long at night. I guess I could have brought her with me but I didn’t want to be rude and ask to do that. I know it’s silly, but Pookie and I have been through a lot together and sometimes I think that she is the only one that loves me unconditionally. She is always happy to see me when I come home and follows me around like a shadow. I love her to death and I guess that makes it okay to stay at home with her when I really wanted to go watch the movie. But, instead, I stayed home, watched a little bit of tv and then went to bed early. And that was probably for the best considering how sick I am this morning. Less sleep would have only made me feel worse today.

And speaking of feeling worse, I am getting more and more nervous about the surgery. I realized yesterday that someone I was counting on to keep me company in the evening is not going to be around the week of my surgery. John has some sort of conference in Kentucky and will be gone for the whole week. But I did buy myself a present yesterday to help keep me entertained that week. Season one and season two of Quantum Leap are on the way to my house. I have always loved the show and have wanted to buy the DVD’s for some time now, but always came up with some excuse not to. Now, I just need to get a DVD player for my bedroom so I can watch them in bed all week. I hear that stairs are not going to be my friend for a while so I may be spending a lot of time in the bed. I’ll have to get a good cooler or a mini fridge too so I can have cold drinks without having to go down to the kitchen. Or maybe I should just hire a maid for the week, lol. We’ll just see how it goes. I still have 2 weeks from today to figure it all out.

I'm the Only One

Once again... I song that I've heard a thousand times rang home tonight. This one is just perfect.

I'm the Only One
Melissa Etheridge

Please baby can't you see
My minds a burnin hell
I got razors a rippin' and tearin' and strippin'
My heart apart as well
Tonight you told me
That you ache for something new
And some other woman is lookin like something
That might be good for you

Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone
Go on believe her when she tells you
Nothings wrong
But I'm the only one
Who'll walk across the fire for you
I'm the only one
Who'll drown in my desire for you
It's only fear that makes you run
The demons that youre hiding from
When all your promises are gone
I'm the only one

Please baby can't you see
Im trying to explain
I've been here before and Im locking the door
And I'm not going back again
Her eyes and arms and skin wont make
It go away
You'll wake up tomorrow and wrestle the sorrow
That holds you down today

Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone
Go on believe her when she tells you
Nothings wrong
But I'm the only one
Who'll walk across the fire for you
Im the only one
Who'll drown in my desire for you
Its only fear that makes you run
The demons that youre hiding from
When all your promises are gone
I'm the only one

Writing Has Become My Solace

I think I have written more in the past month than I have in the past 10 years put together. It has become part of my daily routine and I look forward to it. I sit and think and the words just spill out onto the page... or I guess across the screen. I get a comment every now and then from people I know about something I have written. But for the most part, I have no idea who is reading my blog. The myspace blog manager shows that it gets viewed more than 100 times a day? But I don't even have that many people on my friends list? It makes one wonder... I don't write anything that I wouldn't want anyone to read... or I wouldn't post it, right? On occasion, I have even gotten messages from complete strangers sending words of encouragement and praise on my writing. I enjoy that. It's good to know that what I write can impact people... even those who don't know me or Jason or anyone else I know. It's kind of refreshing. Like publishing a novel and never knowing who will buy it or who will read it. I guess you never know? But I know I feel better when I write. And I will continue.

But I don't really know what to say today. Nothing has changed. Last night, I watched the Sopranos and went to bed fairly early. Not a very exciting Sunday evening. But I am certainly looking forward to this 3-day weekend coming up. I hope I can get a few more things done around the house, especially in the yard. Because I know after this surgery, I won't feel like or be able to do much for a while. John seems to think he won't have his son for the weekend, so hopefully he will have time to give me a hand on at least getting started.

So, is it sad that my life has resorted to looking forward to what comes on television tonight? I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to American Idol until Jason and I broke up. But I have been watching almost every week now and am really looking forward to the finale this week. I think ol' Taylor Hicks from Birmingham has got this one in the bag! I certainly hope so anyway. I think he deserves it more than the girl... much more natural and certainly does his own thing without regard for looking silly or anything like that. He is definetly his own person and I think that is respectible.

Well, off to lunch I suppose! I am really enjoying that I can go home, lay on the couch, relax and watch something on television on my lunch hour. Although it does make it hard to come back...

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Monday!

You Were Meant For Me

All morning are hard. But Sunday is by far the hardest. it used to be Jason and I's favorite day of the week. The whole week is busy and we have something to do and often Jason had to work or do something on Saturday mornings as well. But Sundays we were free and clear. Be would roll around in the bed until noon, often later, usually making love before finally dragging ourselves out of bed because the conversation of growling between our stomachs had gotten so loud. We'd drive somewhere, with the top down if weather permitted and have a nice late lunch. Then we'd come home and lounge, maybe watch some silly show on television. Jason might do some homework or reading if he had some for class the next day. But most of all, we'd just relax and spend time with each other and talk about the events of the week. I miss those days the most.

Now I wake up alone, unless a friend stays over. But most of the time alone. Spend the early afternoon alone and don't eat lunch. Today is especially tough. My baby brother got married and left town for his honeymoon yesterday. Most of my family is still in Cullman, AL where they had the wedding. So I am especially alone. Nowhere to run and hide from the loneliness.

I heard a song yesterday while I was getting my hair fixed for the wedding. It was one of my favorite songs when I was probably 13 or 14 years old. I knew every word and would sing along every time I heard it. But back then I was young and naive and had never experienced the extreme feeling of loss that I am going through now. I didn't understand the pain that was expressed in what seemed like such silly lyrics at the time... making eggs, crawling into bed, putting the tooth paste cap back on... seem absolutely ridiculous to sing about. But those little tiny insignificant things are the ones that really hurt when you are alone and you once weren't. This is the song, maybe those of you who have been where I am can relate:

You Were Meant For Me
Jewel

I hear the clock, it's six a.m.
I feel so far from where I've been
I got my eggs and my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you.
I break the yolks, make a smiley face
I kinda like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots off the mirror
Don't leave the keys in the door
Never put wet towels on the floor anymore' cause
Dreams last for so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you

I called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
I saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy and I was sad
It made me miss you oh so bad 'cause
Dreams last for so long
Even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

I go about my business, I'm doin fine
Besides what would I say if I had you on the line
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken, everyday.
I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick a book up. Turn the sheets down.
Take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pjs and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause
Dreams last for so long
Even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon I know you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you
Yeah.... You were meant for me and I was meant for you.


Those lyrics are just so true. Just because Jason is gone and he is moving on with his new life without me doesn’t mean that I can just kill all of the dreams that we’ve had for the past two years. I still love him and I still want all of the things I wanted a month ago, two, three months ago… I didn’t change my mind. He did. And I miss him so much. I wish I could stop the dreams. Why can’t he just see what I see?

Somewhere I Have Never Traveled

This is my way of saying thank you to someone who has shared some kind words and inspiration with me over the past few weeks. He is a complete stranger who has shared in my misery. He sent this to me last night and I thought it was beautiful and inspiring and wanted to share it with all:

Somewhere I Have Never Traveled
E. E. Cummings

somewhere I have never traveled, gladly beyond

any experience, your eyes have their silence:

in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,

or which I cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me

though I have closed myself as fingers,

you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens

(touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, I and

my life will shut very beautifully,suddenly,

as when the heart of this flower imagines

the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals

the power of your intense fragility: whose texture

compels me with this colour of its countries,

rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes

and opens; only something in me understands

the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)

nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

Thanks again, Dave!

Doctors know, right?

I am always sick in the morning. But the pain and nausea usually subside at least some after I’ve been awake for a couple of hours, but not this morning. I am ready to have this surgery if it is going to make me feel better, but I am afraid. I am afraid that I am doing this to myself. That my nerves are eating me up and that is why I feel so bad. I am afraid that this surgery is pointless and I won’t feel any better after it is over. But a doctor would know, right? They wouldn’t recommend the surgery if they didn’t feel it was necessary or that it would help me, right?

I am afraid that I am torturing myself. That this is my way to get back at me for not being good enough. For not being able to hold on tight enough or to make him happy enough? I don’t “feel” like I blame myself for this but maybe inside I do? I think of all the little things that I said and did in the weeks before we broke up and wonder if they would change things. I insulted the dinner he cooked the week before and it really seemed to hurt his feelings. I didn’t mean to. I wish we had gone to the beach that weekend when we didn’t close on the house. Maybe we would have rekindled things and it wouldn’t have been so easy for someone to steal him away. And I yelled at him a few weeks before… because he wouldn’t return the video that he rented on my account and it was going to be late. I even said, “God forbid I ask you to do something for me, for once” and I slammed the door. I didn’t mean that. He did things for me all the time. I did apologize to him later and told him I didn’t mean it, but maybe it was too late? And we never fought about things. We never yelled at each other. I can only remember one two arguments that we had over the past year. I was always happy and there was nothing to fight about. We were both really happy. I miss that.

I miss waking up and seeing his face. I miss hearing him tell me goodbye and to have a good day at work. I miss his late night showers and him crawling into bed and putting his wet head on me. I miss what he called “snugglebutt.” I miss his arms around me at night. I miss hearing him snore, even when it kept me awake. I miss him stealing the covers in the middle of the night. I miss hearing him whisper “I love you and sweet dreams, my baby” just before we drifted off to sleep. I just miss hearing him call me his beautiful baby. No one had ever called me beautiful before him. I miss his eyes looking into mine: they are so deep and hold so much meaning. I miss his hands, and how he guided me places with his hand on the small of my back. I miss how he loved my curly hair. I haven’t worn it curly since we split up. I can’t. I miss his smile, the real ones. I miss the sound of his laugh, the genuine ones. I miss running my fingers through his hair, especially when it was a little too long. I miss dreaming up plans together and talking about the things we were going to do someday. I miss our dog… Loki is such a good boy. I will always be Loki’s Mama. I miss the beach… and I don’t think I can go without him. Too many memories there. I miss cooking together. I miss grocery shopping together. I miss afternoon drives with nowhere in particular to go. I miss working on the bonsais together. I hope they are doing well. I miss the afternoon calls and text messages just to ask if I was having a good day and to tell me that he loved me. I miss his family. They really made me feel like I was part of the family. I miss snuggling on the couch watching late night movies when we both had to be up early in the morning. I miss Twilight Zone episodes and how I could never stay awake long enough. I miss him making a martini for me without my even asking. He always knew when I needed one. I miss knowing that he cares. I just miss him. His companionship. My best friend.

Breathe. Just breathe and it will all be okay soon. That’s what he used to tell me. That’s all I can do. Breathe.

Waiting... maybe testing?

I’ve been waiting. All week. Monday I found out that I will be having surgery. Now it is Thursday. Jason asked me to let him know. I did. I e-mailed which is the only method of contact we have had for weeks. No reply. No, “I’m sorry that you have to have surgery.” No, nothing. I should be angry and I am a bit. But, mostly, I am hurt. I guess reality is sinking in. You really don’t care about me or what happens to me. As long as you are happy and you are rid of me, you’re just fine. Well, that’s great. Thanks for not caring. Jerk.

So, now that is out of my system… I am really sick this morning. Maybe that is part of why I am finally angry. I haven’t been at work a half hour yet and am already debating whether I can make it through the whole day or not. I ate more for dinner last night than I have eaten in weeks and I am sure that is part of my problem this morning. Last night, we had a “memorial service” for the dog that we lost last week. It was hard but I think it will give me a bit of closure to the situation. He really was a good dog and we’ll miss him.

I am really nervous about this weekend for several reasons. Graduation was hard on me. This wedding is going to be hard too. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy that my baby brother is getting married and that he has found happiness in another person. But, the whole idea of weddings in general give me knots in my stomach. I can’t think of wedding without thinking of Jason telling me where he wanted to marry me. I can’t help but think of how alone I am and that maybe I’ll never get married. Maybe I never want to? Maybe I will never trust another man deeply enough to marry him? I trusted Jason completely. He hurt me once before and I was able to forgive, forget, love and completely trust him again. I had no doubts. I don’t know that I will ever be able to go there again… not with him or anyone else who comes along. How sad of a thought is that? That one person can break your heart so badly that maybe it will never completely heal? He took a large part of my heart with him when he left me and maybe it will never be whole again? Maybe I will never be whole again. But God knows, I will try.

I will try at other things too. I will try to be a better person. A better friend. To be there for others and not need so much. Try not to need anyone else to be happy. Find happiness in myself and be okay alone. It gets better everyday but some days are just bad. But maybe those bad days will help me to appreciate the better ones. I’m holding on guys. I am hanging in there… even if sometimes only by a thread. I know I am going to be okay. I am stronger than this and I won’t let it beat me. I won’t let YOU beat me.

Mornings

Mornings are worse than any other part of the day. Even though I toss and turn all night, sometimes barely sleeping, when the sun starts pouring in the window, I dread dragging myself out of bed. I don’t want to get up, get dressed, get ready for work… I just want to take more sleeping pills and sleep the day away. Hide from the stomach pains, nausea, indigestions… just hide from the world under the covers of my bed. But I don’t. I usually get up, get sick, then get dressed. It’s become a routine. If pregnancy morning sickness is anything like this, I don’t think I will ever have children!

I had a good time last night. John’s son, Cameron, went to the biscuits game with a group from school, so he, Daniel and I went and grabbed some food. We were going to watch some scary movies at my house on the new red couch… but apparently my DVD player does not like burned DVDs. So, we headed to John’s after we ate to watch Saw II. I have seen the first one and I guess I had forgotten how disturbing it was. I found myself curled up in the corner of John’s couch hiding behind a fluffy pillow. But I wasn’t as bad as Daniel. He wouldn’t watch certain scenes at all and even left the room during some parts because he couldn’t handle it. What a sissy, LOL! I was glad that John brought me home when he picked up Cameron, rather than me having to drive myself. I hate to drive home after scary movies because I am always afraid I will see something in the rearview mirror. I guess I am a bit of a sissy too. And my doggy wasn’t even there to protect me last night!

I am really thankful for John’s company. He has really kept me occupied this past week or so and it really helps me keep my mind off of all the crappy things that are going on with me right now. And I am really impressed with him too. I like to watch him with Cameron. They get along great and seem like the best of friends, but John can switch in to “Dad Mode” as soon as necessary. He’s such a good father and that is really something to be respected these days. I am really glad that I am getting to share some time with them both lately. And I even feel a little safer home alone at night knowing that John lives so close. I know if I needed something I could call and he could be there in a minute. Especially since I keep seeing the scary man on the bicycle in the neighborhood.

So everyone have a wonderful day. I will try to do the same.

What's wrong?

I don't know what is wrong with me today? Usually I can tell what triggers my depression. This morning I woke up crying and throwing up... only stomach acid, of course, because thats about all I have. I feel awful. Like I am dying inside. I want to talk to Jason so bad this morning. I want to call him and tell him that I am putting on a brave face but I am just terrified about having surgery and all. But I feel even worse about having to wait three weeks for it. I am so sick this morning. Nauseated, stomach cramps, extremely emotional. Maybe I feel worse because I never heard from Jason yesterday. He has acted like he is still concerned and wanted to know whether or not I was going to have to have the surgery. But I never heard a word... maybe that's it? I feel like he doesn't care. He is so wrapped up in his new girlfriend and his new world that he has forgotten I exist.

I just want to hear his voice, see his face, have him tell me that things are going to be ok. His arms around me always make my fears go away and I so desperately need a hug from him right now. But I know its not going to happen because he doesn't care anymore. I wish I could just get that through my head!

I want to just go back home and lay down. I feel terrible. But I know that I am going to have to take off a few days for the surgery so I can't reallya fford to take off more before then. I am just going to have to sweat it out. Everyone help me! I need some support to get through this. I am really having a rough time right now and I need to get it together. Just pray... pray for God to give me some more strength because I feel like I am falling apart again.

Some jerk

So some bonehead friend of mine just pointed out that I am scheduled to have surgery on 6-6-6??? Maybe I should call and reschedule?? Thanks bonehead!

The Verdict

So, the doctor says that I have classic gall bladder disease, which includes both bialic sludge and small gall stones. Sounds wonderful, doesn't it? He says it will only get worse over time and I should go ahead and have my gall bladder removed as elective surgery before it becomes emergency surgery. The earliest he could schedule the surgery is June 6th so I will have to suffer for 3 more weeks before then. But the surgery doesn't sound complicated. The only rules are that I cannot drive for 5 days after and I cannot pick up anything over 15 lbs for 3 weeks after. Doesn't sound so bad, right? I'll just have to get a DVD player for my bedroom before then so I can catch up on some movies I have been wanting to see. So that week anybody just give me a call, I will be stuck at home not driving so come visit!

Little Nervous

So, now that it is Monday, I am a little more nervous about my appointment with the surgeon today. I was pretty sick on Friday and most of it continued through the weekend. I know that he isn't going to do anything to me today, but I can't help but worry about what he might have to say. And I have done some more reading up on what causes the problem I am having and I almost feel like I did this to myself. I am one of those people who can't eat at all when they are upset about something. Well, I had that stomach virus for a couple of days and then had not started eating again when Jason broke up with me. I don't think I ate more than a bite or two of something for a week. And I lost 30 pounds in about 2 weeks. Rapid weight loss and not eating are the number one causes for bialic sludge and gall stones. I surely didn't mean to do this to myself! Maybe I should blame Jason instead? Just kidding! Either way, I am just ready to start feeling better.

In regards to Jason, I am feeling better. I guess acceptance is getting here. I didn't hear from him via email at all this weekend so I can only assume that he is enjoying himself. Probably celebrating Holly's graduation. But I am sure that it helps that I am starting to be interested in someone else. I spent a lot of time just talking to him this weekend and it was nice. I don't want to really talk about it or name any names... don't want to jinx things, you know? I just want to continue getting to know him and let things happen naturally. But for now, I am happy with the direction my life is heading and don't want to push anything.

Wish me luck today! Hope everyone is doing well!

Finally a good day

Today was good. I stayed out way too late and had way too many Jagger bombs last night. I think it was what i really needed. Had dinner at Up the Creek which is becoming a common occurence. When all of your friends drink beer and they have draft for $0.99, its hard to say no. Then, Jennifer, John and I went and shot pool and had a great time telling jokes with the bartender. Didn't get home until almost 3 and crashed HARD! Tossed and turned a little bit but pretty much slept until around 11am. I haven't been able to sleep that long in a while.

I am really enjoying getting to know John and his friends better. I think it is really good for me to make new friends that I don't associate with Jason at all. New conversations, new stories, getting to know each other... its great. But I do miss April.

But today was really good. Slept in late. Enjoyed the company I had. And I got to watch the Sopranos for the first time in weeks tonight thanks to John. Maybe he'll even let me use his On-Demand to go back and watch the episodes I missed!

But for now I am getting ready to get in bed. I am a little nervous about my appointment tomorrow. But I have reached the point where I am tired of being sick, nauseated and am ready to be able to eat like normal again. Losing the weight has been great but I am just ready to feel better. I'll post something tomorrow night to let everyone know what the surgeon has to say. Goodnight everyone!

Graduation

My baby brother graduated today. It was rough on me to even be back at AUM. Everything there reminds me of Jason. And I couldn't help but think of my own graduation when I was so hurt because Jason came running in only moments before they called my name. He didn't bring a card, a flower... nothing. My feelings were really hurt although I don't think I ever told him that.

I held it together through the ceremony and fought back tears and an anxiety attack. it didn't help that I saw his new girlfriend's name in the program for the afternoon ceremony. We all walked over to the Taylor Center, which for those of you who aren't familiar with AUM, also houses Theatre AUM. I stood in the hall outside the room where they were having the reception because they were just too many people inside. Suddenly, I found myself standing face to face with a large poster size photo of Jason in the last play he was in at AUM. I have put all of my photos of him safely away in drawers at home. So, the site of his big brown eyes caught me off guard and took my breath away. I had a breakdown. I burst into tears and couldn't breath. And I had no where to go. I rode there with family and was trapped. So trapped. I couldn't stop crying, I could't stop thinking. I was suddenly miserable again after doing so well this past week.

Once I managed to get out of there, I was able to pull myself together and the tears dried. I am back in the safety of my own home where I have carefully hidden reminders of Jason and my life with him. I can hide here. I feel safe here.

I had some plans today but the rain is making that difficult. John volunteered to help me trade the big green ottoman for my red one instead of having to wait until Tuesday for the furniture company to deliver it. That would be great, especially since I don't know what is going to happen with the consultation with the sugeon on Monday. Hopefully, if I have to have surgery, it can wait until after my brother's wedding next weekend. I am a bridesmaid and I am just not sure how I am going to be able to hold myself together long enough to stand up there with them. I mean, my baby brother is getting married?!

I hope everyone else is having a wonderful day. Maybe the ran will pass it will be nice out later.

Loss

I am not going to work today. I have been up all night sick to my stomach. Called my mom to tell her I wasn't going so she would know where I was and she told me that the family dog, who has been sick for a while, died some time in the night. I know it is probably for the best and that he might have suffered if he had lived longer. But I guess I am selfish and I wasn't ready to let him go yet. This is the first pet I have ever lost and it feels worse than I thought it would. He was a good dog and we'll all miss him. I loved you, Dummy.

Surgery?

You know, I figured something was wrong with me, but I thought it would be able to be corrected with medicine. Pills, shots... anything. But they set me up for a consultation with a surgeon. Surgery again? I had my tonsils out last summer and it was such a miserable experience. I had surgery on my neck the year before that. If complications can happen, they happen to me! But each time I have had to have surgery, Jason was there to take care of me. This time, I am living alone. I know that my mother and Jennifer will be there to help me... but somehow it is just not the same.

Maybe it will go away on its own? Maybe if we all pray, I won't have to have anything done. Maybe I can just ignore it? It isn't that painful anyway. I'm just scared. I don't want this. Just pray.

Getting Stronger

I cry less. I laugh more. Each day I am getting a little better. Good friends and their company have been my salvation. But I am reaching the point where I don’t mind being alone. I enjoy the comfort of my house. If I am alone, I can get in bed early and read until I fall asleep. I can watch whatever I want on television. It is actually kind of refreshing.

I am really searching myself. I have been part of a pair for so long that I am not sure who I am by myself. I haven’t found it yet, but I am sure I will know when I do. I am in here somewhere… begging to come out. I will be me again. A stronger me, for all that I have been through and learned to accept. I know that I don’t need anyone else to be happy. I never NEEDED… I just loved to the point that I never wanted to be without him. Don’t get me wrong, I still love him and I still don’t WANT to be without him. But I have come to accept the fact that if I have to, I can. I am stronger than I thought and I can make it on my own.

I have also learned that I am not the spender I thought I was. I wasn’t spending most of my money on myself, but on others. Beer, cigarettes, wine… all have been major expenses in the past and all of which I do not use myself. Cutting out these things along with expensive dinners have helped me save a lot of money. I was really afraid that I wouldn’t be able to afford this house and all the bills alone. No, I haven’t made the first house payment yet, but I know that I have saved enough money to not start off in the hole. That’s certainly a reassuring feeling.

And the house is looking incredible. I had great friends over for dinner… pizza: my favorite. The new furniture makes the house so cozy, more finished… and more mine. I absolutely love it. I debated over whether to still buy the furniture that Jason and I picked out together for fear that it would constantly remind me of him. But, I am so glad that I decided not to let that keep me from buying something that I really want. After everyone left, it was so nice to lay on my couch in my own living room and enjoy the lightning that was flashing through all the windows in the house. A beautiful night.

I do miss Jason. I do still love him and know that I always will. But I have finally decided to fully put my faith in God… and those of you who know me, know that is something I find hard to do. I have faith that God has a plan for both of us and that plan may or may not include us being a part of each others lives any more. I have faith in my love for him and I have faith in the love that he once had for me. I know that we were meant to be together for the time that we were. I know that this has happened for a reason and that Jason made the best decision for both of us… at least for now. And that’s what I have to live by. That is for the best for now. Maybe tomorrow or next week that will change. Maybe it will not. But I have faith in that if our love is strong enough and we are truly meant to be… it will happen and we can’t control that. Jason recently told me that the heart is not something to be reckoned with or understood, but it is something that you must follow. I know he is right. He will follow his heart and I will follow mine, and maybe one day the paths of our hearts will join again someday. Until then, I will be happy. I will be strong. And I will continue to have faith. Faith in that the right thing will happen at the right time.

Stupid Furniture People!

Yes, the furniture arrived today. I am at work so my mom and Jennifer were there to get it. They brought the red couch, the red chair and the stupid ottoman is the right one but it is green! I am so mad! I was really looking forward to this and now I may have to wait two more weeks for the right one to come in. But they are going to leave the green one for me to use in the meantime... great! Christmas colors in May! I swear, can one thing just go right??

Ultrasound

I just got done with the ultrasound and of course, no word. They have to send the results to my doctor and he has to call me with them. Great... more waiting. I really wasn't worried before. I didn't feel like anything could be wrong... but when he was pressing on me, I felt some pretty severe pain. The technicial kept hovering over one particular spot and saying "Does it hurt when I press right here?" And of course, it did. I don't usually poke around on my own abdomen so I didn't realize it was going to hurt so much. I guess I will do some reading up on gall bladder problems to pass the time until they call me with results. Maybe they will at least call me today with the results of the bloodwork so one thing will be off my mind. But now that I've had the ultrasound, i feel like the bloodwork will be fine and the gall bladder is more likely the culprit. Waiting is the hardest part.I will certainly keep everyone posted.

Thanks to those of you who have expressed concern. Just keep your fingers crossed for me and I am sure everything will turn out okay one way or the other.

Loving the Rain

It is starting to rain here. I love it when it rains, especially in this house. I have a small covered front porch with a swing and can sit out there and listen to the thunder roll and watch it rain on all of my flowers. I forgot how beautiful the rain is. I'll go sit out there and watch for a while and hopefully the thunder will continue into the night and help me sleep better. There's nothing like rain sleep.

Not so regular check-up

I went in to the doctor today for what I thought was going to be just a follow-up to my last appointment. I thought I would just tell him what is working for me and what is not, he'd write me some new prescriptions and I'd be on my way. Not so. I described all of the symptoms and he was a bit concerned that all the meds I have been taking haven't taken care of it yet. He felt of my abdominal area and I had some pain that I didnt realize I had. He had a couple of different diagnosis for what the problem might be. They did some blood work to test for the for the first thing, which I am praying it is not. They should call me with the results of that in a day or two. I am also scheduled for a gall bladder ultrasound in the morning to test for gall stones or ulcers. Let's hope it is neither of those things either.

I am a little nervous... not about the tests, but about getting the results. I just thought all of my symptoms were from stress and anxiety. So everybody just keep your fingers crossed and say a little prayer that nothing serious is wrong. I am sure I am ok? Right? I'll let everyone know as soon as I know any results.

Finally!

I just got a call from Ashley Furniture and my living room suite has finally arrived! They are going to deliver it some time tomorrow. Then I can move the wicker furniture elsewhere and have real comfy stuff to sit on! I think it will help me to feel a little more settled and at home in the house.

This weekend, I painted the guest room (which I had originally planned to be an office.) I painted it a terracotta color and got matching bedding. I put the bedroom suite that my father grew up with in there so it feels nice and cozy. I just need a couple of coordinating things to go on the walls and that room will be finished.

I also painted the “oh-so-lovely” pink kitchen countertop with some white primer. It has been holding up pretty well this week so I plan to seal it with some epoxy this weekend. Then, I will be ready to strip the teapot wallpaper off the walls and paint the kitchen. I am thinking a nice Granny Smith apple green would look good in there. But I am not looking forward to the process of removing the wallpaper… I have done that so many times.

I am really starting to enjoy the house. There are a few neighborhood cats that like to visit my backyard. There is a black one that comes almost every day and when he meows, he sounds like he is saying “Hello.” He can keep coming by as long as he doesn’t have an encounter with Pookie. I think that would probably scare him off pretty quickly.

I am going to borrow the digital camera from Dad since mine has gone missing in action. Then I will start posting pictures of my progress on the house so everybody can see what I have been up to. I can’t wait to get started on that downstairs bathroom!

Allegiance

When the rough times roll around, you really find out who your true friends are. The ones that take you out and make you laugh when all you want to do is wallow and cry, are the friends worth keeping. Those that don't answer when you call crying, or don't even call you back, probably were never real friends to begin with. It's just sad to think that you can be there for someone, but when the tables are turned, they misconstrue your intentions and emotions and hide from you when they should be there for you. It's a sad and lonely world for people like that.

And what's even sadder is when you find a true friend, just before they leave for a long period of time. You have really been there for me, April and these next 10 weeks are going to be so lonely without you here. But don't worry, I'll keep John under control for you! : ) He didn't know what he was getting into when he agreed to my yard boy! He won't have time for anything else, LOL!

Learning to Live Again

I cant help but think of that old Garth Brooks song.

So, its only been a couple of weeks and yes, I am still heart-broken. But a date couldnt hurt, right? I mean, theres no reason to keep myself off the market. Jason is already seeing someone else. I guess I should put myself back out there. And some good friends have offered to set something up to test the waters. The thought makes me nervous but still I am excited. Someone new could be a good thing. A distraction. And if I decide I am not ready, I dont have to go any further. Right? He sounds like a nice enough guy and I trust the judgment of these particular friends. So just wish me luck... either way!

I also made an interesting discovery today while at lunch. Previously, the Alabama State Bar has been outsourcing most of its design work to someone local. In the future, I will be taking on most of those responsibilities. The interesting discovery is that the man who currently does the job, owned and lived in the house that I just bought for 17+ years. He and his wife sold it to the man that I bought it from only about 2 years ago. What a small world we live in?

Devastation

Webster’s dictionary defines devastation as: to bring to ruin or desolation by violent action; to reduce to chaos, disorder, or helplessness. I think that appropriately describes my current emotion state. Devastation.

I used to love to dream. Not daydream, but real deep sleep dream. Now, even the best of dreams are bad. Even if I have a good dream, one where I get to see Jason or hold him or touch him again… when I wake up alone, the dream becomes a nightmare. If it is 3am, like it was last night when I woke up, I toss and turn wishing the dream were reality and Jason were laying in his spot on the bed next to me and I could snuggle up next to him to get back to sleep.

Mornings are always hard. I wake up and wander around like a zombie getting ready for the day. No morning snuggle or a kiss goodbye. No one to say, “I love you. Have a good day.” Just my doggie to make me feel guilty for leaving her alone in a house she isn’t accustomed to yet.

I don’t know which is harder: being alone or knowing that he is not. I guess it should be motivation to push forward. If he can be so happy with someone new in such a short time after me, than he must not have ever really loved me. Right? Could he have? Or could she just be filling the void? I don’t know. I guess I don’t really need to know. I just need to remember that he has chosen not to be with me and begin my life over.

That’s what I really feel like I am doing. Starting over. I had my life planned. Not my whole life or every step of the way. But I knew the general direction and who was my co-pilot. But maybe the problem is… he wasn’t the co-pilot. I wasn’t the pilot of my own life… I was the passenger. I waited to see which direction Jason would turn and followed right along with him. And I was happy with that. Satisfied. Home is where Jason is. And since I allowed him to be in the drivers’ seat for so long, I am finding it difficult to get back behind the wheel. He left me and didn’t even give me a map. So now I am lost.

I am trying to learn to train my thought pattern. To stop the negative flow when it begins. There is no point in thinking about things you cannot change. Negative thoughts only cause negative feelings and there is no sense in that. I have to think of the positive things that will come out of this mess. I am writing again. Writing like I haven’t done since I was an adolescent and my imagination was full. I had forgotten how much I enjoy it. There is something innately satisfying about pouring your heart into words on a paper… or I guess in this case, words across the monitor. But it makes them real. It makes them available to others. It shares your life and feelings with the world. It connects you not only to other people, but connects you to yourself… your own soul. The words don’t just run off the top of my head… they come from somewhere deep within. Whether I knew it or not, I have missed it. And I will continue to write… I hope that others will continue to read and share in this with me.

Rough times...

Today started out alright. I had too much to drink last night but ended up not feeling so bad this morning. Took a shower and put on some clothes that I haven't been able to wear in a long time. Felt really good. Felt good about the conversation I had with Jason last night.

The good feelings didn't last very long. Jason's mother called me. I was very glad to hear from her but I didn't want to hear some of the things she had to say. She told me that Jason had brought his new "young lady" by her house one day this week. She said he seems really happy. And that is what I want for Jason. More than anything in the world I want for him to be happy. I guess I have just known in my heart that we would be happy together forever. I don't know if he is happy because it is new, fresh and exciting. But, I don't need to think that way. I need to accept the fact that he has made his decision and move on. I want so badly to hold on and to just wait for him to come home where he belongs. I guess I thought he would come to see the house and realize and remember that this really is where he wants to be and that he misses me. I guess I was wrong.

I want him to come because he realizes that he really does love. Not because it doesn't work out with the new girl or because I convince him to. I want him to come home because he knows it is the right thing to do. And if that doesn't happen, I guess I will just have to accept the fact that my heart can be wrong. My faith can be wrong. And no matter how hard, how fully, how completely I love him... that doesn't mean it was meant to be or that he loves me as deeply. I will always love him. No matter what happens between us from here on out. He has been an inspiration in my life and I have been so lucky to have him. I know that I would not be where I am today without his love and support. I am so thankful that I had him for as long as I did. He is the most wonderful person in the world and I admire him. He is a stong person to do what he has done. It was not easy for him to hurt me. It was not easy for him to decide to let go. But he did.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. But I realize that all I can do is trust that God will get me through this. God will either heal my heart or he will return him to me. Time will tell which will happen. Waiting to see is the hard part... so, God please help me.

A Long Day...

Some days are better, some days are worse. This one is worse. And for no particular reason. I just feel extra alone today. I always look forward to Friday’s. Friday’s are relief days. I don’t have to get up in the morning if I don’t want to. I can do what I want tonight. But the problem is, I don’t know what it is I want to do. I don’t know what to do with myself. I just paint and paint and decorate. But it really doesn’t make me feel any better. It just passes the time.

Time. I am scared of it these days. I feel like I am merely hanging on. I’m just living one day at a time with no real goal in sight. I am afraid that I have convinced myself that Jason is coming home and if I can just hang on long enough, it will happen. If I give him room enough to miss me and to realize what he’s lost, that he’ll come back to where we both know he belongs. I refuse to believe that the heart can change its mind in a matter of two weeks. If it could, I would have turned mine off by now and be moving on. But, I’m not because the heart doesn’t work that way. I believe that your mind can fool your heart and if you allow yourself to plug someone in to someone else’s place, you can confuse it. I think that if Jason had given himself enough time alone before jumping into a relationship with someone new, he would have realized that he was making the wrong decision. But with a new fling to fill the void of missing me, it is easy to push me farther and farther away and convince himself that he is happier.

But its hard for me to say, since we aren’t speaking right now. So, day to day I don’t know what he is doing and how he is feeling. I don’t know how often he sees her or how good she makes him feel. I don’t know what they do together or where they go. I am completely removed from the life I have been living for almost two years. It’s terrifying. Sometimes I feel like all I can do is write… keep writing and maybe once I get it all out it will be done. Finished. Over.

Over is such a scary word. Ex-boyfriend just won’t come out of my mouth. It doesn’t sound right. It doesn’t feel right. In my heart, he’s still “my Jason” and my baby and I can’t seem to let go of that. I guess because I don’t want to. I’m not ready to give up yet. I still believe in my heart that we were meant to be together and I know that at one point, he believed it too. I just need him to remember why. I need him to think about why he called me at 3am and asked me to go to the beach with him. Why was he thinking of me? Why did he want to see me after all that time? What made him kiss me on that elevator? What made him tell me that he loved me again for the first time after we got back together? What made him know that it was right for us to try again? I need him to really remember that. There is a reason. He can hide from it and use someone else to help him hide from it. But he knows deep down that it is still there. That it will always be there. All the time in the world will not make it go away.

I wonder if every time he waters the bonsais, does he think of me and want me to know how they are doing just as much as I want to ask? I took the money tree, the Norfolk pine and the palm tree. There aren’t doing as well as I had hoped. I hope it is not something I am doing or not doing that is causing them to change. The money tree’s leaves are droopy… I’ve given it water and partial sun and don’t know what else to do. The palm’s leaves are turning brown. I just don’t know what I’ll do if I let them die. Our plants had become like our “children” and I just hate the thought that I would fail at taking care of them without Jason’s help. I am glad I left the bonsais with him. He told me when he gave me the first one, Hubert, for Valentine’s Day, that as long as I kept the Bonsai alive, our love would stay alive. That feels like such a lie now. So much does.

I keep replaying so many things in my head. Reliving the weeks leading up to the break-up. Searching for signs that he was unhappy and that the end was coming. But they just are not to be found. He was so excited about the house, the yard, getting birds, buying new furniture and renovating an old house to make it our home. Sometimes I thought he was more excited than I was. He was so mad when we didn’t close on the Friday that we planned to. We bought furniture a week before. He spent a large amount of his tax return buying a dining room set that he said felt like it was “made for him.” I know he wouldn’t have spent money like that if he didn’t fully plan on living in that house and using the furniture. And he wanted me to go buy the living room furniture as soon as we closed so we would have it as soon as possible. He talked about plans for the house that were years down the road. Things that we would be able to afford to do a long time from now. He talked about how it was such a great investment for us and we would get such a good return on it in 5 years or so when we were ready to sell. Why would he think that far ahead if he were unhappy and planning to run away? And why would he ever even mention marriage if it wasn’t something he was considering? But maybe he was just caught up in the excitement of his best friend getting engaged? I hate to believe that though. I want to believe it is because he loves me. I know he loves me. I have felt it and I have seen it in his eyes. I refuse to believe, as good of an actor that Jason is, that he could fake those sorts of feelings and emotions towards me intentionally.

And my baby brother is getting married in a couple of weeks. I guess I always thought I would be first. And I really thought it was sneaking up on me. I know that Jason is a man of surprises and would only ask me to marry him when I least expected it. He knows that’s what I would want. I guess I keep hoping that my phone will ring or better yet, my doorbell and it will be him. And he will be there with a ring and an apology. And he will finally know that we are meant to be together. And we’ll go to that sandbar where we spent that wonderful day together. Where he helped me conquer a fear and take a plunge with him. Just us, the one marrying us and God to witness. I didn’t know when it would happen, but I knew in my heart that it would. I am terrified that my heart is starting to doubt now that it ever will. I can go on like this forever… passing the time and waiting for him to come home. I just don’t know if I can ever accept the fact that he may not. I am afraid that if he doesn’t, I will live in denial forever… just waiting. But I will if that is what I have to do. I know he is following his heart, but I am too. And my heart tells me to keep on waiting and this phase will pass. I believe it will. And when it does, we will be stronger than ever for what we have been through. I will be stronger for knowing that I can hold my own and I have explored my own thoughts and feelings. He will be stronger for knowing that he did what he needed to do to be sure this time. And then it will be forever. I just know it. I just have to be patient until he knows it too.

Lovely Pair

Do we look suspicious or what??

Flood of Memories

Last night, I thought would be an easy night. I had plans to go to the Biscuits game with co-workers and Jennifer came along in Jason's place. It was nice to sit and socialize with co-workers outside of the office and meet their spouses and children.

But, Jennifer and I took a walk to find the restroom. And suddenly, I found myself experiencing deja vu. I was standing in the same place where I stood last Fourth of July in Jason's arms watching the fireworks. A flood of memories suddenly came rushing back to me and I was overwhelmed.

We had only been back together for a week and we had just returned home from an amazing weekend in Biloxi and New Orleans. We were sunburned to the max and had been drinking all day. But, there we stood in each others arms listening to the National Anthem while watching brilliant lights bursting in the sky.

It is one of my favorite memories... and some of my favorite pictures of us were taken that night. We were so happy... so in love. Nothing could have hurt us at that time. I couldn't even imagine then that we'd be where we are today. It just seems so wrong when that felt so right. How can he have forgotten? How can he have let that feeling slip away from him? I didn't. I am still holding on strong. And I will still be here when he remembers it. I'll be here to welcome him home when he finds his way.

Fix You

On the way to work this morning, I listened to a song from my favorite band that I have heard a thousand times. But this morning, the lyrics touched me a little differently than usual. Just thought I would share it:

Fix You - Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you can't replace
when you love some one but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Well high up above or down below
When you were too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Rum and Paint...

I am going to a biscuits game tonight since it is Alabama State Bar night. I bought the tickets weeks ago for Jason and I. So, now instead Jennifer will get the opportunity to meet all of my co-workers.

We don't plan to stay for the whole game, though. Because an unopened bottle of rum and a new can of paint are waiting for us at my house. Paint and rum is a good combo, right? I think Josh is going to join us as well so it just might get messy, LOL. I'm just wishing it were Friday so I wouldn't have to drag my butt in to work tomorrow morning.

Hope everyone else has an eventful evening!

Good Things Out of the Bad

So, I am down 27 lbs in only 3 weeks. Not healthy? I know. But sometimes your nerves control your appetite and you just can't help it. And it makes me feel better about myself when I put on those jeans and shirts that I haven't been able to wear in nearly a year. I think Jason would at least be proud of me for that.

And I am finding that I have more and better friends than I ever knew I had. When you really need people, you never know who will come out of the woodwork to be there for you. Thanks to those of you... you know who you are.

I am also learning the art of "detachment" or letting go of situations that are beyond your control. Worrying about something you can't change won't help and it certainly won't make you feel any better about it. You just have to rely on your faith that everything happens for a reason. I have always felt in my heart that Jason and I were meant to be together... and when he came back to me the first time, my faith was reinforced. That faith has definetly taken a knock over this past few weeks, but I am remembering that if it truly is meant to be... it will be again. And if it truly isn't, then I know something else will be down the road for me. I am still just hoping that the something is Jason. Time will tell... only time.

One Day at a Time...

Time seems to crawl by so slowly these days. I try to fill my day with activity to keep my mind occupied. My newest project is the guest room. It was supposed to be Jason's office. Now, every time I pass the doorway I think "Jason's office will always be empty." So, my goal is to decorate is nicely and furnish it with my things to make is no longer feel "empty" and missing something.

I also bought some pictures for my living and dining room last night that I have wanted for YEARS. They were on clearance and I jumped at the opportunity to make the house feel a little more like MINE than ours... I am really trying to do things differently than Jason and I planned so that it's not a constant reminder. I am even sleeping on "his" side of the bed so his spot doesn't feel empty. I hope I am headed in the right direction. Everyday I go without talking to him or seeing him, the more and more I let go. I guess that's the only road to recovery... letting go. And I know I must... as hard as it may seem.

I know I will always love him and part of me hopes he will come home and realize what a mistake he has made. But a large part of me knows that I may never be able to fully trust him again after this if he ever does come back. I really thought we were going to get married. He had even mentioned the particular part of the beach where he wanted us to "do the deed." So, its hard for me to comprehend how a month ago he said that to me and this month we barely even speak. I feel like I don't know him anymore. Maybe I never did? Maybe this girl has brought out the "real" Jason that he was afraid to share with me. But I hope that I am wrong about that.

So, I guess what I really hope is that it takes him long enough to realize his mistake so that I will be healed and strong enough to say, "No, I can't let you hurt me again." I am reading a book that was recommended to me, Codependent No More, and I see myself on every page. I am realizing that I have not been living my own life, but investing every part of me in Jason and making sure that he is happy. I never say no and I always aim to please. It's time to be independent and learn how to hold my own. I will follow my own heart and reach for my dreams... as soon as I detach myself from "our" dreams and figure out what my own are.

To anyone who is reading this, wish me luck. I have a long road ahead of me.

Space Invaders

Since I didn't originally intend to live alone in my new house, I am still getting used to it. I always make sure to leave on a few lights downstairs and make sure all the doors are locked before I go to bed upstairs. I haven't been very worried though since I used to live in this neighborhood with Jason.

But, last night, my car was broken into... well, I guess I can't necessarily say "broken" into because the doors MAY have been unlocked. The lock didn't appear to be jammed or picked so I can only assume that I completely forgot to lock the car when I got home last night.

I don't think anything important is missing... maybe a couple of CD's. But I think its more the invasion of my privacy that bothers me. All of my papers and my glove compartment had been gone through. My shoes were out on the ground like someone had been trying them on. I mean, yuck!

So, now I am thinking of having the ADT security system that is already installed re-activated. I hadn't been worried before but now I feel like it might be a good idea. Couldn't hurt, right?