Blowing off a little steam...

I know that no one wants to hear me complain so I’ll do it here.

I am frustrated with several different people for several different reasons. Some at work, some at home… etc, etc. I am tired of being a pushover and just letting people take advantage of me all the time. I am too nice of a person and I just can’t seem to say, “No, that is your problem so you deal with it.” Then, there are those friends who I feel like only call when they need something. “How are you… by the way, can you do me a favor?” It’s very tiring.

I’m also tired of all the lies I seem to get myself tangled in. I am not a liar, I don’t like to be lied to and I don’t like uphold someone else’s lies. Honesty is a very important value to me whether it be between friends or someone I am in a relationship with. If you don’t have trust, there is nothing to build a relationship on. Let’s just all tell the truth people… its just easier that way.

And I’m tired of being broke. I got paid today and wrote out all the checks for the bills that are due before next payday and my entire check is already gone. I think I might get a second job to pay the bills. I was hoping that the freelance work I have been doing would help pick up the slack, but it has not been panning out so well either. So it will be ramen noodles and easy mac for me the rest of this month.

Anyway… just felt like I needed to get that all out. And then maybe I will be able to breathe a little better and enjoy the rest of my Halloween.

Ughh, not another migraine...

My head is killing me. This is the second migraine I have had in the past week. I usually don't have so many this close together. Migraines are the devil. The DEVIL I tell you. I'm going to bed and its only 8 o'clock. I am just too busy for migraines! I have to much to do but I can't function when my head hurts this bad. So, off to bed I go...

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Costume party at Off the Wagon to see Shakedown Monkey! No cover with a costume. Everybody come out and play!

G'night!

Dog poo, dog poo, smelly stinky dog poo!

I have been resisting the urge and can’t any longer. I must tell this story. But to protect the identity of my poor friend, I will use the name Bob.

So, Bob and I have been to move a friend of his’ car. He drives her car and I drive his back to his apartment and then we are going out bowling with some friends. He parks her car around back and I pull up to the front of his apartment to pick him up. I get out and get into the passenger seat and he comes and gets in. Right away he gets on the phone, to let the friend know that the car has been moved.

When Bob closes the door, I get a whiff of this terrible smell and right away I know exactly what it is. I think “Oh no, did I step in dog poop when I got out and got in the passenger seat?” So, I check the bottom of my shoe and nothing there. But the smell is awful, so I start to giggle because I know it must be on his shoes. He is still on the phone and having a very serious conversation about his friend who is in the hospital. But, I cannot stop laughing.

I keep peaking at him out of the corner of my eye and he is sniffing the sleeve of his shirt. I laugh even harder knowing that he is thinking “Is that me?” So, I am laughing hysterically and I know he probably thinks I am farting or something and that is what the God-awful smell is.

So, when he hangs up the phone he turns to me and says, “Smell my shirt.” I refuse but can’t say anything because I am laughing so hard. He then blames the smell on the bag from Sonic from where we just ate. The laughter gets harder and harder and tears are pouring down my cheeks. I’m thinking “If our food smelled like dog poo, we shouldn’t have eaten it!”

I finally manage to say “ROLL DOWN THE WINDOWS! You must have stepped in dog poo!” Checking his shoe confirmed what I knew the whole time.

Ok, so it’s not really that funny that he stepped in dog poo. The funny part was watching him try to identify the smell while having a serious conversation. I can’t help myself. Toilet humor is funny!

Blue + Yellow = Green

It's almost 2am on a Sunday but I don't have to work tomorrow. So, what am I doing? I am up eating ramen noodles and surfing MySpace because I can't sleep. How sad my life has become.

I got nothing done today. I woke up in some pretty bad pain and ended up spending 3 hours in Primed to get some antibiotics for a urinary track infection. It's fun stuff, let me tell you! And they give you these great pills that make your pee turn funny colors. Blue + Yellow really does = Green.

Then I went and had dinner with my parents and my brother and sister-in-law. It was nice. And I got to visit with my doggie. Then I went to a friends and watched Gladiator for the probably 10th time. But its still an awesome movie. And that is pretty much all I have done today. Hopefully tomorrow will be more exciting. I at least have a few things planned so we'll just see...

Goodnight... well really good morning, but whatever... to everyone!

Renig

This is a renig on my last blog. Ok, so I am not headed to Mobile today due to circumstances beyond my control. The friend that was supposed to go with me had something unexpected come up and had to cancel. Sure, I am disappointed but the situation is certainly understandable. So, now I am not sure what I am going to do this evening.

I've been working in my yard some this afternoon and got devoured by mosquitos. I don't understand why they are so bad in the day time? But the weather is PERFECT so I thought I would take advantage of it for a little while. I raked a bunch of the magnolia leaves onto a tarp and drug them out to the road. I know this doesn't sound like something that is very hard to do, but if you could see how many bugs come running out of there everytime I raked a pile, you would understand why I think its such a big deal. I would rake a big pile onto the tarp then grab it and run to the street and dump it as fast as I could because I just KNEW a big roach or a worm would end up on me somehow. I know the neighbors think I am crazy because one work did end up on my foot and I guess flip-flops really aren't the best choice for yard work. So I kicked and screamed and ran through the yard earning some strange looks from the people next door. Oh well... what can I say? I don't like bugs on me.

Anyway... off the find something interesting to do. Anyone else bored? Call me!

Mo f’n bile Bound

I’m so excited that I am heading to Mobile this weekend to see the StrongFold boys! Anybody want to come? Grand Central is such a great bar and it’s bound to be packed this weekend with BayFest going on! And I hope to make a stop at the beach at some point before we head back up.

I’m going to the fair tonight too. I haven’t been in a couple of years so I am looking forward to that. I love to look at the school art shows, I guess since I entered every year when I was a kid. And the photography show. And of course, being the animal lover that I am... I am a sucker for that stinky little petting zoo. Why do I want to feed the goats? Who knows? But I do!

So, here is my funny story for today. I wore a new shirt today that I bought on my little shopping spree last week. It looked just fine in the mirror. But when I got to work and sat down, the cross over in the front pulls open and I had a little more booby going on than is appropriate for the office. After sitting at my desk hiding in the corner debating what to do, I decide to go visit the women in my department to see if any of them have a safety pin. As I stand up and re-adjust my shirt, a woman walks by the door and say, “You gotta keep those girls in!” I was so embarrassed! Luckily, Marcia had a safety pin and my shirt is now securely fastened closed. No more peepshow for my co-workers.

I’m so glad its Friday... and a three day weekend for me! Gotta love those state holidays! Hope everyone else has a wonderful weekend. I know I will!

Searching

I think my biggest problem these days is that I don’t know what I want. Or I changemy mind about what I want too often. I really need to set some long term goals that rely on no one but myself, and make future decisions based on reaching those goals.

For longer than I can remember, my decisions have not been based solely on what I want. I tend to make decisions to make others happy, sometimes sacrificing what I want in the process. I have done this for so long, that I am not sure what I really want anymore. And some of the things I don’t know about are major life altering things.

Years ago, when I was engaged to be married, buying a house and planning a wedding, I assumed that we would have children and was fine with that. I had thought of baby names and all sorts of things to come. After we split up and I started dating Jason, it was a whole different ballgame. With him, I didn’t want to settle down and start a family. I wanted to travel the world, buy a boat, buy a house at the beach and do all sorts of exciting things that didn’t involve being tied down by having children.

Now that I am single and have been for five months (which, by the way, is longest I have been without a “boyfriend” since I was 12 years old), I can’t really decide what it is that I really want? Do I want a child or children? I’m honestly not sure. It is actually pretty scary that when I ask myself such a serious question about what I want out of life, I can’t give myself an honest answer. I know that it has a lot to do with the anxiety problem I have. It has gotten worse over the years and I have trouble dealing with screaming children in restaurants and stores. But, everyone says it is different when they are your own. I also have very little patience with my niece. She is more than a handful and never listens, but I wonder if it would be different if it were my own child who I had been disciplining their whole life.

Isn’t the test supposed to be having a dog? I have a dog. And she lives with my parents. She moved in with them when Jason and I moved into the apartment. I had planned on her moving in with me when I bought this house, but she still hasn’t. When I leave for work, she whines and I feel guilty and worry about her all day while I am at work. She is used to having my mother there most of the time and other dogs in the house to play with, so I feel terrible leaving her there alone. Not to mention she gets mad if I am gone for too long and tears things up. But I have to wonder if I would feel the same way leaving a crying baby with a sitter? Would I feel so guilty and worried that I wouldn’t be able to focus at work? I really don’t know the answer. And I really don’t know why this is on my mind lately? I guess I have been spending more and more time with my friends that have children and it makes me wonder about my own life. I can only assume that my decision will come when it is necessary. I should know what is right for me when the time comes, right?

Congrats to Jennifer!

Yes, my very best friend is getting married! I am so excited for her. She has been waiting patiently for Prince Charming to come sweep her off her feet... and boy, was he worth the wait! Jennifer will soon become Mrs. Justin Herring. They are tentatively setting the date for late May, but I will keep everyone posted as plans get set in stone. So everyone send their congrats to Jennifer & Justin! I love both you guys!

Here are some pics of her & Justin, her ring,

the flowers he gave her (one for each day they have been dating)
and their baby doggie, Emma.

The light of day brings clarity

I'm ok. I just needed to sleep it off. Yes, my feelings were a bit hurt last night, but today I feel much better. I know that if nothing else, I have made a really good friend and so has he. I really enjoy his company and being witness to his many talents. I am smilling again... just for a different reason. So, don't worry about me. I'll be just fine!

Why Do I Have To Be So Stupid?

Why? I really don't understand. i thought I was doing so good. Not "labelling" things and not wanting to. Only wanting to take things one day at a time. Apparently even that is too much to ask. I fall too easy and I fall too hard. And I am devastated everytime I am rejected. I don't want to be "a nice girl" or just his "friend." I want him to feel the same way about me as I do about him. Doesn't intimacy mean anything to anyone anymore? Why do I always get used? Why do I continue to let myself get used over and over? I feel so worthless! I pretty much hate myself for being so naive and letting myself get so attached so easily. I'm so stupid! And completely alone in it this time. I don't want to hear I told you so... because I know. I did this to myself. At least he was honest and told me now and I didn't get strung along any longer. I've only known him a few days... and I already hurt this bad. This night went from great to depressing in only a few moments. I'm just going to wallow in my self pity some more. Maybe I'll sleep. Please, God at least let me sleep through this. At least give me that!

Bad, bad Amy!

I had my whole evening planned. I was going to do laundry, unclog my tub, and maybe even patch some holes in the bathroom wall. But that all went to crap very quickly. It dawned on me that tomorrow is payday and I would really like to have a new pair of pants to wear to work. I've lost a lot of weight and not many of my pants fit anymore, so I find myself recycling the same pants more than once a week. So... I go shopping at my usual favorite store, American Eagle. No luck... not a single pair of dress pants in my size. So, I figure I may as well walk across and check the Gap. Once again, not a single pair in my size. So, I am frustrated and prepared to give up and go home when I see the big red SALE sign in the window of NY & Co. Jackpot! I couldn't stop myself!! I didn't buy just one pair of pants, not even two, but three pairs! And I didn't stop there... I helped myself to a skirt and six shirts!! But honestly, it was such a good sale that I spent as much on all of that as I would usually spend on just 3 pairs of nice pants. So, I am going to forget that I didn't need to spend that much money and just enjoy my new clothes. I deserve it, right? I'll remember to keep telling myself that next week when I am dead broke!!

And one little side note... I am still smiling! Things are great and I am enjoying myself. I feel better than I have felt in quite a while. Maybe that's what inspired my shopping spree? Who knows! Hope everyone else is smiling too! Lots of love!

Yes, I am a Chicken

So, here is my funny story for today.

My new friend came over last night to see my house for the first time. I gave him the tour but neglected to show him the basement (which I usually keep locked tight). Even though it was around 10:00 and the basement creeps me out, he insisted I show it to him anyway. So, I tiptoe down the stairs, which I hate because it has such low ceilings and I am a bit claustrophobic. I pull the cord and switch on the light at the bottom of the stairs.

Now, there is not much to this basement. There is some old junk left behind by previous owners, but nothing of any value. Also, the water heater and A/C crap is all down there. So, he looks around for a few minutes and I am standing, holding the pull cord, waiting to switch it off and go back upstairs. Suddenly, the A/C kicks on making raquet right behind me and scares the crap out of me. So, of course, I jump, yanking the cord and switch off the light. I also scream, leaping almost on top of him, and then run up the stairs. How embarrassing??

He of course laughs at me, to which I reply that he jumped too. Well, of course he did, I screamed and jumped on him. Well, at least now he knows that I am a chicken and won’t be surprised later if we watch a scary movie or something. Not to mention a bug later flew at my head and I ran from that as well.

But yes, I am still smiling by the way. My face is actually starting to hurt and my friends and co-workers are starting to suspect that I am on drugs or something. I am way too cheerful for my own good. But oh well... I’m just going to enjoy it while I can!!

Still Smiling

Ok… so I have had several calls and emails about my last post. Yes, I am still smiling! I met someone new this weekend through a friend. I don’t want to talk about it too much because I certainly don’t want to jump the gun or jinx anything. Just know that he is sweet and he is making me smile, and that’s all that you need to know right now.

Smiles

I'm all smiles today. Very sleepy smiles, but smiles. No details... just know that I am smiling. It's been a good weekend and let's just leave it at that for now! Things just happen when they are meant to and how they are meant to... and its always when you least expect it. Hope everyone else had a wonderful weekend!!

Love you all!

Mixed Emotions

I haven’t written a blog in a while. I guess I wasn’t sure what to write. I am ok, then I’m not, ok, then not. I swing back and forth very rapidly. It’s not much fun. My emotions are very mixed up right now... about many many things.

I am really happy about a lot of the things that are happening right now. I’ve made more progress in my bathroom. You can now turn the new light fixture on and off with a switch, rather than an old pull cord that no one could ever find. The sink is installed and after I swap one part for a properly fitting one, it will be fully functional. I’m glad to see this project nearing completion. Then, I will move along to the kitchen, where I need to finish removing the wallpaper and paint it. I’ll feel much better about the house when that is done.

I am also happy about having Jason back in my life. Talking to him daily has been really refreshing. He was my very best friend for nearly two years and he knows me probably better than anyone else. It’s nice to have my best friend back. The only part that I struggle with is whether or not he is back because he wants to be, or because he feels obligated to because I took care of him last week. I don’t want him to talk to me and spend time with me because he feels guilty or pity towards me. I want him to want to be a part of my life again. I am fully aware that things will never be the same and there is some awkwardness in the situation that will have to be overcome. But that is something I am prepared to deal with. I would much rather have him as a friend then have nothing.

I also have come to realize that a lot of the things he said last week were said out of drunkenness and being hurt, scared, rejected and lonely. I read too much into them. I do wonder which things he even remembers saying and doing? I’m really not sure. I want to believe that when he looked me in the eyes and told me something, that he meant it... but it’s hard to say now. I even asked him if he would remember saying this tomorrow or if he was too drunk, and he said he new exactly what he was saying... but I am not sure about that either. I am really trying to just accept it for what it was and just be happy that he was back in my arms for a couple of days. If I can accept that then we can move forward with our friendship.

He really is a wonderful person. I know a lot of my friends and family that read my blog are upset with me for even talking to him. Or more upset with him for reappearing on my doorstep after all this time. Don’t be angry. He doesn’t intend to hurt me. And I am not regressing. I am handling this surprisingly well. Jason is a tough person to get to know and he doesn’t let too many people in. I feel privileged to be one of those few people who have seen him with his guard down. He is an incredibly amazing person and I feel sorry for the people who haven’t seen that side of him. I wouldn’t let him back into my life if I didn’t think I could handle it. And also, know that he is hurting just like I was when he left me. I understand his pain and want to be able to be there for him. Just remember how bad off I was five months ago and know that I would never wish that kind of pain upon anyone. So, please bear with me and accept my decisions. And I am not saying in any way shape or form that I don’t want comments, advice, or opinions... they are always welcome and much appreciated. I am always happy to know that people are reading what I write. But, please don’t bash Jason in the process. I do love him and it hurts my feelings when people portray him negatively.

But I do thank all of you that have expressed your concerns and support. I’m glad to know that you all care. Love you all!

Hurricane Jason

He rips in and out of my life as he pleases. He’s not only destructive but self-destructive. He doesn’t mean to be, it’s just in his nature.

I woke up several times throughout the night. I was alone, and somehow surprised to be. I have slept alone for nearly five months now and have gotten quite used to it. No one snoring in my ear. No one stealing the covers. No one elbowing me in the ribs. No one wrapping their arms around me to let me know they are still there. It’s funny how just having him in the house can throw off my routine so easily. I want to get back to waking up and expecting the house to be empty and to be okay with that… and I want it to happen quickly.

I know that acceptance is the key. He has been honest with me and that’s really all I can ask for. He went from asking me if I thought I could let him back into my life, to telling me he wants to try to fix things with her in a matter of days. That should just reassure me that he doesn’t know what he really wants. I do want him to come home, but I want him to come home because he wants to be there. I don’t want to be second choice and I deserve not to be. I know that he meant it when he said he still loves me, because I can see it in his eyes. He just doesn’t love me as completely and hopelessly as I love him. I know it wasn’t his intention, but its hard not to feel misled and hurt. But I also know how easy it is to make mistakes when you are so hurt. I can forgive him for ripping open old wounds. They will heal once again

Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine –Fiona Apple

Cleaning up the mess

I hid out at my brothers for the evening last night. I didn't want to sit at home alone and look at the mess he left behind. I stayed out late and took sleeping pills so I could go straight to bed when I got home.

But it was all still here when I got home. His shirts were hanging just inside the front door. I had to fix it. I took them and hung them in the laundry room where at least they wouldn't be in open sight. I took his beer cooler and tucked it in the corner behind some other things so I wouldn't see it everytime I walked into the room. I walked all over the house collecting empty beer cans, beer bottles, beer tops, empty cigarette packs and any other paraphernalia that screamed "Jason has been here." I febreezed my furniture and changed my sheets trying to remove the old familiar smell of beear and cigarettes. I don't want it to smell like Jason has been here either. I washed all the hair out of the sink from where he shaved before work on Friday morning. I picked up all his dirty clothes off the bathroom floor and hid them from myself. He'll be back to get these things eventually... but until then, I don't want to look at them and be reminded. I was glad to have him in my arms for a couple of days, but now it is time to let go again. And cleaning up the mess is the first step.

Here I go again...

I really was doing so much better. I really was. Then he showed up on my doorstep, drunk, broke and hurting. Why did this have to happen now? I know I'll be ok. I know if I just pretend this didn't happen, I can fall back into the boring routine that I call my life. It's not what I want to do, but what I have to do. I really thought he had found his way home. I feel misled and hurt. But I realize he was drunk and probably doesn't even remember half of the things that he said to me, much less meant it. I shouldn't have allowed myself to believe his drunken words and given myself false hopes. I should have stayed in my shell and just been there as his friend. But there is something about him, something about the connection between us, that helps him to penetrate that wall I have been so busy building for the last 4 or 5 months. I let my wall crumble in a moment of weakness and I will build it back as quickly as possible. I can't slide back into depression. I can't let him do it to me again. I know he didn't mean to hurt me... he does care. If he didn't care, I wouldn't have been the first person he called and he wouldn't have come running to me. It was really good to have him home, if even for just a few days. I don't have any regrets, except that I wish I could be stronger and not be hurting so much now that he is gone again. But because I love him, and I know he needs me to be strong, I will hold it together and be there for him. I know thats what he needs me to do. I hope I have proved myself as the friend that I want to be. And I hope that no one and nothing can keep us from being friends.

I'm a mess right now. But I will be ok. But I do need my friends. All of you. Call me, go out with me, keep me entertained and remind me that I am okay by myself. I know that I am. Thanks for those of you who do care and who have been checking on me. I need the support. Love you all!!

Poof!

Poof is the sound of your world turning upside down in the blink of an eye. Poof is the sound of the rug being snatched out from under you once again. This week has been really hard on me. I have done my best to be the best friend I can be and give unbiased advice. I guess I didn't realize just how much I still love him. I thought I would feel some satisfaction to see him hurting the way he hurt me, but I don't. I care too much. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy and I had found peace in the idea that he was. But now that he isn't happy, I wonder if I moved on for no reason. Should I have let him go so easy? That's what he wanted, right? I only did what he asked. All I can do now is be his friend and support him in his decisions. He has a long road ahead of him, I know.

I only hope that we can really be friends after this. I hope that we can put all of the bad memories in the past and only worry about the future. Things will get better from here on out... for both of us. And no matter how much I may hurt, it was worth it to see him again.

From Happy to OMG WTF? in 2 seconds flat!

Wow... that's the only way I know how to describe today. I'm tired and I'm going to bed and its only 8pm. Not watching Nip Tuck. Not watching anything. I just need to go to sleep. I am going to need serious therapy after a day like today. Wow...