Searching

I think my biggest problem these days is that I don’t know what I want. Or I changemy mind about what I want too often. I really need to set some long term goals that rely on no one but myself, and make future decisions based on reaching those goals.

For longer than I can remember, my decisions have not been based solely on what I want. I tend to make decisions to make others happy, sometimes sacrificing what I want in the process. I have done this for so long, that I am not sure what I really want anymore. And some of the things I don’t know about are major life altering things.

Years ago, when I was engaged to be married, buying a house and planning a wedding, I assumed that we would have children and was fine with that. I had thought of baby names and all sorts of things to come. After we split up and I started dating Jason, it was a whole different ballgame. With him, I didn’t want to settle down and start a family. I wanted to travel the world, buy a boat, buy a house at the beach and do all sorts of exciting things that didn’t involve being tied down by having children.

Now that I am single and have been for five months (which, by the way, is longest I have been without a “boyfriend” since I was 12 years old), I can’t really decide what it is that I really want? Do I want a child or children? I’m honestly not sure. It is actually pretty scary that when I ask myself such a serious question about what I want out of life, I can’t give myself an honest answer. I know that it has a lot to do with the anxiety problem I have. It has gotten worse over the years and I have trouble dealing with screaming children in restaurants and stores. But, everyone says it is different when they are your own. I also have very little patience with my niece. She is more than a handful and never listens, but I wonder if it would be different if it were my own child who I had been disciplining their whole life.

Isn’t the test supposed to be having a dog? I have a dog. And she lives with my parents. She moved in with them when Jason and I moved into the apartment. I had planned on her moving in with me when I bought this house, but she still hasn’t. When I leave for work, she whines and I feel guilty and worry about her all day while I am at work. She is used to having my mother there most of the time and other dogs in the house to play with, so I feel terrible leaving her there alone. Not to mention she gets mad if I am gone for too long and tears things up. But I have to wonder if I would feel the same way leaving a crying baby with a sitter? Would I feel so guilty and worried that I wouldn’t be able to focus at work? I really don’t know the answer. And I really don’t know why this is on my mind lately? I guess I have been spending more and more time with my friends that have children and it makes me wonder about my own life. I can only assume that my decision will come when it is necessary. I should know what is right for me when the time comes, right?