A Big Day

I usually post all of my blogs both on here and on MySpace. That started when MySpace got firewalled at work, I could post on blogger then copy it to MySpace when I got home. But lately, I've been posting a little differently, because completely different sets of people read each blog. Scott, for one, only reads the blog on MySpace so I feel like I can post things on here that I might not post on there. Like this one...

Thursday, July 10th Scott and I have officially been dating a year. We are taking a trip to the beach for the weekend to celebrate. In my eyes, a year is a huge milestone. Yes, I've been in several other long term relationships (a 7-year and a 3-year) but I still feel like making it to the year mark is kind of a defining moment? You seem to either make it only a few months or you make it a really long time? I hope that makes sense. To me it does.

For those of you who don't know, Scott is about 10 years older than me. He's also been in a previous very long term relationship. It lasted for 10 years and never resulted in a marriage or any children. At first, I was thankful for that... in the sense that I've found someone who comes without the baggage of a divorce and/or children. But lately, I've wondered whether its a good thing or not.

We've reached this milestone and I feel like its time to make some sort of decisions? I know that I want to get married and have children. And we often have the "if we get married" or "if we have children" talks. But he freezes up when it comes really talking about it. He also has trouble freely saying I love you. I tell him almost daily. Sometimes I get a "You know I do" or sometimes even a "ditto." But only Patrick Swayze can get away with the ditto business. Scott is no Patrick Swayze.

Scott's mother died in a car accident when he was only 13 years old. Obviously, the suddeness of her death has caused him a lot of problems. Any time I bring up his difficulty with expressing his feelings, he blames it on losing his mother. It's not that I doubt this is the truth, but I feel like its always the conversation ender. Like, "Well, my mom died." And what else can I say to that? And if it is the truth, then I think after more than 20 years, its time to talk to a counselor of some kind and deal with it? Am I wrong?

Anyway, my reason for this post is... I feel like this weekend is going to be my breaking point. I haven't given him sort of ultimatum or anything. I wouldn't do that. I'm not stupid. I want Scott to want to marry me, not be bullied into it. I just feel like a year is enough time to be able to make a decision about what he wants? If he just never wants to get married, I think its only fair that he let me know so that I can move on and look for someone who does. I'm not saying I want a ring this weekend, but I do need to see some sort of progress. I need a sign that we are on the same page and headed in the same general direction with this relationship.

I know that a lot of my hurry is based on the inconveniences of this relationship and I try not to let that be a huge influence. But Scott lives an hour away and works almost every weekend. This requires me to most of the driving back and forth. Might I remind you of the price of gas? Not to mention the time. I get a lot of thinking done on those drives, but after a year, I'm ready for a change. I don't think that is asking too much.

Is it?