Loss

I am not going to work today. I have been up all night sick to my stomach. Called my mom to tell her I wasn't going so she would know where I was and she told me that the family dog, who has been sick for a while, died some time in the night. I know it is probably for the best and that he might have suffered if he had lived longer. But I guess I am selfish and I wasn't ready to let him go yet. This is the first pet I have ever lost and it feels worse than I thought it would. He was a good dog and we'll all miss him. I loved you, Dummy.

Surgery?

You know, I figured something was wrong with me, but I thought it would be able to be corrected with medicine. Pills, shots... anything. But they set me up for a consultation with a surgeon. Surgery again? I had my tonsils out last summer and it was such a miserable experience. I had surgery on my neck the year before that. If complications can happen, they happen to me! But each time I have had to have surgery, Jason was there to take care of me. This time, I am living alone. I know that my mother and Jennifer will be there to help me... but somehow it is just not the same.

Maybe it will go away on its own? Maybe if we all pray, I won't have to have anything done. Maybe I can just ignore it? It isn't that painful anyway. I'm just scared. I don't want this. Just pray.

Getting Stronger

I cry less. I laugh more. Each day I am getting a little better. Good friends and their company have been my salvation. But I am reaching the point where I don’t mind being alone. I enjoy the comfort of my house. If I am alone, I can get in bed early and read until I fall asleep. I can watch whatever I want on television. It is actually kind of refreshing.

I am really searching myself. I have been part of a pair for so long that I am not sure who I am by myself. I haven’t found it yet, but I am sure I will know when I do. I am in here somewhere… begging to come out. I will be me again. A stronger me, for all that I have been through and learned to accept. I know that I don’t need anyone else to be happy. I never NEEDED… I just loved to the point that I never wanted to be without him. Don’t get me wrong, I still love him and I still don’t WANT to be without him. But I have come to accept the fact that if I have to, I can. I am stronger than I thought and I can make it on my own.

I have also learned that I am not the spender I thought I was. I wasn’t spending most of my money on myself, but on others. Beer, cigarettes, wine… all have been major expenses in the past and all of which I do not use myself. Cutting out these things along with expensive dinners have helped me save a lot of money. I was really afraid that I wouldn’t be able to afford this house and all the bills alone. No, I haven’t made the first house payment yet, but I know that I have saved enough money to not start off in the hole. That’s certainly a reassuring feeling.

And the house is looking incredible. I had great friends over for dinner… pizza: my favorite. The new furniture makes the house so cozy, more finished… and more mine. I absolutely love it. I debated over whether to still buy the furniture that Jason and I picked out together for fear that it would constantly remind me of him. But, I am so glad that I decided not to let that keep me from buying something that I really want. After everyone left, it was so nice to lay on my couch in my own living room and enjoy the lightning that was flashing through all the windows in the house. A beautiful night.

I do miss Jason. I do still love him and know that I always will. But I have finally decided to fully put my faith in God… and those of you who know me, know that is something I find hard to do. I have faith that God has a plan for both of us and that plan may or may not include us being a part of each others lives any more. I have faith in my love for him and I have faith in the love that he once had for me. I know that we were meant to be together for the time that we were. I know that this has happened for a reason and that Jason made the best decision for both of us… at least for now. And that’s what I have to live by. That is for the best for now. Maybe tomorrow or next week that will change. Maybe it will not. But I have faith in that if our love is strong enough and we are truly meant to be… it will happen and we can’t control that. Jason recently told me that the heart is not something to be reckoned with or understood, but it is something that you must follow. I know he is right. He will follow his heart and I will follow mine, and maybe one day the paths of our hearts will join again someday. Until then, I will be happy. I will be strong. And I will continue to have faith. Faith in that the right thing will happen at the right time.

Stupid Furniture People!

Yes, the furniture arrived today. I am at work so my mom and Jennifer were there to get it. They brought the red couch, the red chair and the stupid ottoman is the right one but it is green! I am so mad! I was really looking forward to this and now I may have to wait two more weeks for the right one to come in. But they are going to leave the green one for me to use in the meantime... great! Christmas colors in May! I swear, can one thing just go right??

Ultrasound

I just got done with the ultrasound and of course, no word. They have to send the results to my doctor and he has to call me with them. Great... more waiting. I really wasn't worried before. I didn't feel like anything could be wrong... but when he was pressing on me, I felt some pretty severe pain. The technicial kept hovering over one particular spot and saying "Does it hurt when I press right here?" And of course, it did. I don't usually poke around on my own abdomen so I didn't realize it was going to hurt so much. I guess I will do some reading up on gall bladder problems to pass the time until they call me with results. Maybe they will at least call me today with the results of the bloodwork so one thing will be off my mind. But now that I've had the ultrasound, i feel like the bloodwork will be fine and the gall bladder is more likely the culprit. Waiting is the hardest part.I will certainly keep everyone posted.

Thanks to those of you who have expressed concern. Just keep your fingers crossed for me and I am sure everything will turn out okay one way or the other.

Loving the Rain

It is starting to rain here. I love it when it rains, especially in this house. I have a small covered front porch with a swing and can sit out there and listen to the thunder roll and watch it rain on all of my flowers. I forgot how beautiful the rain is. I'll go sit out there and watch for a while and hopefully the thunder will continue into the night and help me sleep better. There's nothing like rain sleep.

Not so regular check-up

I went in to the doctor today for what I thought was going to be just a follow-up to my last appointment. I thought I would just tell him what is working for me and what is not, he'd write me some new prescriptions and I'd be on my way. Not so. I described all of the symptoms and he was a bit concerned that all the meds I have been taking haven't taken care of it yet. He felt of my abdominal area and I had some pain that I didnt realize I had. He had a couple of different diagnosis for what the problem might be. They did some blood work to test for the for the first thing, which I am praying it is not. They should call me with the results of that in a day or two. I am also scheduled for a gall bladder ultrasound in the morning to test for gall stones or ulcers. Let's hope it is neither of those things either.

I am a little nervous... not about the tests, but about getting the results. I just thought all of my symptoms were from stress and anxiety. So everybody just keep your fingers crossed and say a little prayer that nothing serious is wrong. I am sure I am ok? Right? I'll let everyone know as soon as I know any results.

Finally!

I just got a call from Ashley Furniture and my living room suite has finally arrived! They are going to deliver it some time tomorrow. Then I can move the wicker furniture elsewhere and have real comfy stuff to sit on! I think it will help me to feel a little more settled and at home in the house.

This weekend, I painted the guest room (which I had originally planned to be an office.) I painted it a terracotta color and got matching bedding. I put the bedroom suite that my father grew up with in there so it feels nice and cozy. I just need a couple of coordinating things to go on the walls and that room will be finished.

I also painted the “oh-so-lovely” pink kitchen countertop with some white primer. It has been holding up pretty well this week so I plan to seal it with some epoxy this weekend. Then, I will be ready to strip the teapot wallpaper off the walls and paint the kitchen. I am thinking a nice Granny Smith apple green would look good in there. But I am not looking forward to the process of removing the wallpaper… I have done that so many times.

I am really starting to enjoy the house. There are a few neighborhood cats that like to visit my backyard. There is a black one that comes almost every day and when he meows, he sounds like he is saying “Hello.” He can keep coming by as long as he doesn’t have an encounter with Pookie. I think that would probably scare him off pretty quickly.

I am going to borrow the digital camera from Dad since mine has gone missing in action. Then I will start posting pictures of my progress on the house so everybody can see what I have been up to. I can’t wait to get started on that downstairs bathroom!

Allegiance

When the rough times roll around, you really find out who your true friends are. The ones that take you out and make you laugh when all you want to do is wallow and cry, are the friends worth keeping. Those that don't answer when you call crying, or don't even call you back, probably were never real friends to begin with. It's just sad to think that you can be there for someone, but when the tables are turned, they misconstrue your intentions and emotions and hide from you when they should be there for you. It's a sad and lonely world for people like that.

And what's even sadder is when you find a true friend, just before they leave for a long period of time. You have really been there for me, April and these next 10 weeks are going to be so lonely without you here. But don't worry, I'll keep John under control for you! : ) He didn't know what he was getting into when he agreed to my yard boy! He won't have time for anything else, LOL!

Learning to Live Again

I cant help but think of that old Garth Brooks song.

So, its only been a couple of weeks and yes, I am still heart-broken. But a date couldnt hurt, right? I mean, theres no reason to keep myself off the market. Jason is already seeing someone else. I guess I should put myself back out there. And some good friends have offered to set something up to test the waters. The thought makes me nervous but still I am excited. Someone new could be a good thing. A distraction. And if I decide I am not ready, I dont have to go any further. Right? He sounds like a nice enough guy and I trust the judgment of these particular friends. So just wish me luck... either way!

I also made an interesting discovery today while at lunch. Previously, the Alabama State Bar has been outsourcing most of its design work to someone local. In the future, I will be taking on most of those responsibilities. The interesting discovery is that the man who currently does the job, owned and lived in the house that I just bought for 17+ years. He and his wife sold it to the man that I bought it from only about 2 years ago. What a small world we live in?

Devastation

Webster’s dictionary defines devastation as: to bring to ruin or desolation by violent action; to reduce to chaos, disorder, or helplessness. I think that appropriately describes my current emotion state. Devastation.

I used to love to dream. Not daydream, but real deep sleep dream. Now, even the best of dreams are bad. Even if I have a good dream, one where I get to see Jason or hold him or touch him again… when I wake up alone, the dream becomes a nightmare. If it is 3am, like it was last night when I woke up, I toss and turn wishing the dream were reality and Jason were laying in his spot on the bed next to me and I could snuggle up next to him to get back to sleep.

Mornings are always hard. I wake up and wander around like a zombie getting ready for the day. No morning snuggle or a kiss goodbye. No one to say, “I love you. Have a good day.” Just my doggie to make me feel guilty for leaving her alone in a house she isn’t accustomed to yet.

I don’t know which is harder: being alone or knowing that he is not. I guess it should be motivation to push forward. If he can be so happy with someone new in such a short time after me, than he must not have ever really loved me. Right? Could he have? Or could she just be filling the void? I don’t know. I guess I don’t really need to know. I just need to remember that he has chosen not to be with me and begin my life over.

That’s what I really feel like I am doing. Starting over. I had my life planned. Not my whole life or every step of the way. But I knew the general direction and who was my co-pilot. But maybe the problem is… he wasn’t the co-pilot. I wasn’t the pilot of my own life… I was the passenger. I waited to see which direction Jason would turn and followed right along with him. And I was happy with that. Satisfied. Home is where Jason is. And since I allowed him to be in the drivers’ seat for so long, I am finding it difficult to get back behind the wheel. He left me and didn’t even give me a map. So now I am lost.

I am trying to learn to train my thought pattern. To stop the negative flow when it begins. There is no point in thinking about things you cannot change. Negative thoughts only cause negative feelings and there is no sense in that. I have to think of the positive things that will come out of this mess. I am writing again. Writing like I haven’t done since I was an adolescent and my imagination was full. I had forgotten how much I enjoy it. There is something innately satisfying about pouring your heart into words on a paper… or I guess in this case, words across the monitor. But it makes them real. It makes them available to others. It shares your life and feelings with the world. It connects you not only to other people, but connects you to yourself… your own soul. The words don’t just run off the top of my head… they come from somewhere deep within. Whether I knew it or not, I have missed it. And I will continue to write… I hope that others will continue to read and share in this with me.

Rough times...

Today started out alright. I had too much to drink last night but ended up not feeling so bad this morning. Took a shower and put on some clothes that I haven't been able to wear in a long time. Felt really good. Felt good about the conversation I had with Jason last night.

The good feelings didn't last very long. Jason's mother called me. I was very glad to hear from her but I didn't want to hear some of the things she had to say. She told me that Jason had brought his new "young lady" by her house one day this week. She said he seems really happy. And that is what I want for Jason. More than anything in the world I want for him to be happy. I guess I have just known in my heart that we would be happy together forever. I don't know if he is happy because it is new, fresh and exciting. But, I don't need to think that way. I need to accept the fact that he has made his decision and move on. I want so badly to hold on and to just wait for him to come home where he belongs. I guess I thought he would come to see the house and realize and remember that this really is where he wants to be and that he misses me. I guess I was wrong.

I want him to come because he realizes that he really does love. Not because it doesn't work out with the new girl or because I convince him to. I want him to come home because he knows it is the right thing to do. And if that doesn't happen, I guess I will just have to accept the fact that my heart can be wrong. My faith can be wrong. And no matter how hard, how fully, how completely I love him... that doesn't mean it was meant to be or that he loves me as deeply. I will always love him. No matter what happens between us from here on out. He has been an inspiration in my life and I have been so lucky to have him. I know that I would not be where I am today without his love and support. I am so thankful that I had him for as long as I did. He is the most wonderful person in the world and I admire him. He is a stong person to do what he has done. It was not easy for him to hurt me. It was not easy for him to decide to let go. But he did.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. But I realize that all I can do is trust that God will get me through this. God will either heal my heart or he will return him to me. Time will tell which will happen. Waiting to see is the hard part... so, God please help me.

A Long Day...

Some days are better, some days are worse. This one is worse. And for no particular reason. I just feel extra alone today. I always look forward to Friday’s. Friday’s are relief days. I don’t have to get up in the morning if I don’t want to. I can do what I want tonight. But the problem is, I don’t know what it is I want to do. I don’t know what to do with myself. I just paint and paint and decorate. But it really doesn’t make me feel any better. It just passes the time.

Time. I am scared of it these days. I feel like I am merely hanging on. I’m just living one day at a time with no real goal in sight. I am afraid that I have convinced myself that Jason is coming home and if I can just hang on long enough, it will happen. If I give him room enough to miss me and to realize what he’s lost, that he’ll come back to where we both know he belongs. I refuse to believe that the heart can change its mind in a matter of two weeks. If it could, I would have turned mine off by now and be moving on. But, I’m not because the heart doesn’t work that way. I believe that your mind can fool your heart and if you allow yourself to plug someone in to someone else’s place, you can confuse it. I think that if Jason had given himself enough time alone before jumping into a relationship with someone new, he would have realized that he was making the wrong decision. But with a new fling to fill the void of missing me, it is easy to push me farther and farther away and convince himself that he is happier.

But its hard for me to say, since we aren’t speaking right now. So, day to day I don’t know what he is doing and how he is feeling. I don’t know how often he sees her or how good she makes him feel. I don’t know what they do together or where they go. I am completely removed from the life I have been living for almost two years. It’s terrifying. Sometimes I feel like all I can do is write… keep writing and maybe once I get it all out it will be done. Finished. Over.

Over is such a scary word. Ex-boyfriend just won’t come out of my mouth. It doesn’t sound right. It doesn’t feel right. In my heart, he’s still “my Jason” and my baby and I can’t seem to let go of that. I guess because I don’t want to. I’m not ready to give up yet. I still believe in my heart that we were meant to be together and I know that at one point, he believed it too. I just need him to remember why. I need him to think about why he called me at 3am and asked me to go to the beach with him. Why was he thinking of me? Why did he want to see me after all that time? What made him kiss me on that elevator? What made him tell me that he loved me again for the first time after we got back together? What made him know that it was right for us to try again? I need him to really remember that. There is a reason. He can hide from it and use someone else to help him hide from it. But he knows deep down that it is still there. That it will always be there. All the time in the world will not make it go away.

I wonder if every time he waters the bonsais, does he think of me and want me to know how they are doing just as much as I want to ask? I took the money tree, the Norfolk pine and the palm tree. There aren’t doing as well as I had hoped. I hope it is not something I am doing or not doing that is causing them to change. The money tree’s leaves are droopy… I’ve given it water and partial sun and don’t know what else to do. The palm’s leaves are turning brown. I just don’t know what I’ll do if I let them die. Our plants had become like our “children” and I just hate the thought that I would fail at taking care of them without Jason’s help. I am glad I left the bonsais with him. He told me when he gave me the first one, Hubert, for Valentine’s Day, that as long as I kept the Bonsai alive, our love would stay alive. That feels like such a lie now. So much does.

I keep replaying so many things in my head. Reliving the weeks leading up to the break-up. Searching for signs that he was unhappy and that the end was coming. But they just are not to be found. He was so excited about the house, the yard, getting birds, buying new furniture and renovating an old house to make it our home. Sometimes I thought he was more excited than I was. He was so mad when we didn’t close on the Friday that we planned to. We bought furniture a week before. He spent a large amount of his tax return buying a dining room set that he said felt like it was “made for him.” I know he wouldn’t have spent money like that if he didn’t fully plan on living in that house and using the furniture. And he wanted me to go buy the living room furniture as soon as we closed so we would have it as soon as possible. He talked about plans for the house that were years down the road. Things that we would be able to afford to do a long time from now. He talked about how it was such a great investment for us and we would get such a good return on it in 5 years or so when we were ready to sell. Why would he think that far ahead if he were unhappy and planning to run away? And why would he ever even mention marriage if it wasn’t something he was considering? But maybe he was just caught up in the excitement of his best friend getting engaged? I hate to believe that though. I want to believe it is because he loves me. I know he loves me. I have felt it and I have seen it in his eyes. I refuse to believe, as good of an actor that Jason is, that he could fake those sorts of feelings and emotions towards me intentionally.

And my baby brother is getting married in a couple of weeks. I guess I always thought I would be first. And I really thought it was sneaking up on me. I know that Jason is a man of surprises and would only ask me to marry him when I least expected it. He knows that’s what I would want. I guess I keep hoping that my phone will ring or better yet, my doorbell and it will be him. And he will be there with a ring and an apology. And he will finally know that we are meant to be together. And we’ll go to that sandbar where we spent that wonderful day together. Where he helped me conquer a fear and take a plunge with him. Just us, the one marrying us and God to witness. I didn’t know when it would happen, but I knew in my heart that it would. I am terrified that my heart is starting to doubt now that it ever will. I can go on like this forever… passing the time and waiting for him to come home. I just don’t know if I can ever accept the fact that he may not. I am afraid that if he doesn’t, I will live in denial forever… just waiting. But I will if that is what I have to do. I know he is following his heart, but I am too. And my heart tells me to keep on waiting and this phase will pass. I believe it will. And when it does, we will be stronger than ever for what we have been through. I will be stronger for knowing that I can hold my own and I have explored my own thoughts and feelings. He will be stronger for knowing that he did what he needed to do to be sure this time. And then it will be forever. I just know it. I just have to be patient until he knows it too.

Lovely Pair

Do we look suspicious or what??

Flood of Memories

Last night, I thought would be an easy night. I had plans to go to the Biscuits game with co-workers and Jennifer came along in Jason's place. It was nice to sit and socialize with co-workers outside of the office and meet their spouses and children.

But, Jennifer and I took a walk to find the restroom. And suddenly, I found myself experiencing deja vu. I was standing in the same place where I stood last Fourth of July in Jason's arms watching the fireworks. A flood of memories suddenly came rushing back to me and I was overwhelmed.

We had only been back together for a week and we had just returned home from an amazing weekend in Biloxi and New Orleans. We were sunburned to the max and had been drinking all day. But, there we stood in each others arms listening to the National Anthem while watching brilliant lights bursting in the sky.

It is one of my favorite memories... and some of my favorite pictures of us were taken that night. We were so happy... so in love. Nothing could have hurt us at that time. I couldn't even imagine then that we'd be where we are today. It just seems so wrong when that felt so right. How can he have forgotten? How can he have let that feeling slip away from him? I didn't. I am still holding on strong. And I will still be here when he remembers it. I'll be here to welcome him home when he finds his way.

Fix You

On the way to work this morning, I listened to a song from my favorite band that I have heard a thousand times. But this morning, the lyrics touched me a little differently than usual. Just thought I would share it:

Fix You - Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you can't replace
when you love some one but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Well high up above or down below
When you were too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Rum and Paint...

I am going to a biscuits game tonight since it is Alabama State Bar night. I bought the tickets weeks ago for Jason and I. So, now instead Jennifer will get the opportunity to meet all of my co-workers.

We don't plan to stay for the whole game, though. Because an unopened bottle of rum and a new can of paint are waiting for us at my house. Paint and rum is a good combo, right? I think Josh is going to join us as well so it just might get messy, LOL. I'm just wishing it were Friday so I wouldn't have to drag my butt in to work tomorrow morning.

Hope everyone else has an eventful evening!

Good Things Out of the Bad

So, I am down 27 lbs in only 3 weeks. Not healthy? I know. But sometimes your nerves control your appetite and you just can't help it. And it makes me feel better about myself when I put on those jeans and shirts that I haven't been able to wear in nearly a year. I think Jason would at least be proud of me for that.

And I am finding that I have more and better friends than I ever knew I had. When you really need people, you never know who will come out of the woodwork to be there for you. Thanks to those of you... you know who you are.

I am also learning the art of "detachment" or letting go of situations that are beyond your control. Worrying about something you can't change won't help and it certainly won't make you feel any better about it. You just have to rely on your faith that everything happens for a reason. I have always felt in my heart that Jason and I were meant to be together... and when he came back to me the first time, my faith was reinforced. That faith has definetly taken a knock over this past few weeks, but I am remembering that if it truly is meant to be... it will be again. And if it truly isn't, then I know something else will be down the road for me. I am still just hoping that the something is Jason. Time will tell... only time.

One Day at a Time...

Time seems to crawl by so slowly these days. I try to fill my day with activity to keep my mind occupied. My newest project is the guest room. It was supposed to be Jason's office. Now, every time I pass the doorway I think "Jason's office will always be empty." So, my goal is to decorate is nicely and furnish it with my things to make is no longer feel "empty" and missing something.

I also bought some pictures for my living and dining room last night that I have wanted for YEARS. They were on clearance and I jumped at the opportunity to make the house feel a little more like MINE than ours... I am really trying to do things differently than Jason and I planned so that it's not a constant reminder. I am even sleeping on "his" side of the bed so his spot doesn't feel empty. I hope I am headed in the right direction. Everyday I go without talking to him or seeing him, the more and more I let go. I guess that's the only road to recovery... letting go. And I know I must... as hard as it may seem.

I know I will always love him and part of me hopes he will come home and realize what a mistake he has made. But a large part of me knows that I may never be able to fully trust him again after this if he ever does come back. I really thought we were going to get married. He had even mentioned the particular part of the beach where he wanted us to "do the deed." So, its hard for me to comprehend how a month ago he said that to me and this month we barely even speak. I feel like I don't know him anymore. Maybe I never did? Maybe this girl has brought out the "real" Jason that he was afraid to share with me. But I hope that I am wrong about that.

So, I guess what I really hope is that it takes him long enough to realize his mistake so that I will be healed and strong enough to say, "No, I can't let you hurt me again." I am reading a book that was recommended to me, Codependent No More, and I see myself on every page. I am realizing that I have not been living my own life, but investing every part of me in Jason and making sure that he is happy. I never say no and I always aim to please. It's time to be independent and learn how to hold my own. I will follow my own heart and reach for my dreams... as soon as I detach myself from "our" dreams and figure out what my own are.

To anyone who is reading this, wish me luck. I have a long road ahead of me.

Space Invaders

Since I didn't originally intend to live alone in my new house, I am still getting used to it. I always make sure to leave on a few lights downstairs and make sure all the doors are locked before I go to bed upstairs. I haven't been very worried though since I used to live in this neighborhood with Jason.

But, last night, my car was broken into... well, I guess I can't necessarily say "broken" into because the doors MAY have been unlocked. The lock didn't appear to be jammed or picked so I can only assume that I completely forgot to lock the car when I got home last night.

I don't think anything important is missing... maybe a couple of CD's. But I think its more the invasion of my privacy that bothers me. All of my papers and my glove compartment had been gone through. My shoes were out on the ground like someone had been trying them on. I mean, yuck!

So, now I am thinking of having the ADT security system that is already installed re-activated. I hadn't been worried before but now I feel like it might be a good idea. Couldn't hurt, right?